Long Road Ahead
by elitejace452
Summary: Jay doesn't make it there in time. Story of hurt and healing for Erin. Alternate ending for 3x11. Caution, trigger warning for rape.
1. Not in Time

A/N: I love Jay and Erin as detectives and I love them as a couple. This story was just something I wanted to get off my chest and I really want to explore the healing that will have to take place after this.

Trigger warning for rape.

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Erin yelled for help, her voice muffled by the gag in her mouth, as she frantically tried to pull away from the steel grip of Pete Damien. He pressed the sharp edge of the knife tighter against her throat as his grin grew bigger. Of all the girls he had ever been with, he never thought he'd be able to add a Chicago PD detective to the list.

"Stop resisting or I'll ram this knife through your chest." Pete growled as he thrusted his hips forward, grinding against Erin. Erin let out another muffled scream, not sure who she was screaming for. There was no one in the house to help her. He kept the knife firmly against her neck as he flipped her onto her back, yanking her pants down in one quick motion. He didn't want to waste any time. "Well, who were you wearing these panties for, for me?" Erin growled as she turned her head away. This type of underwear was supposed to be for Jay's eyes and Jay's eyes alone. She tried to stop the tears that were forming in her eyes. She knew what was about to happen. She looked to the door, hoping with every ounce of her body that Jay would come barreling through the door. She wanted Jay to come and take her away from this nightmare.

"You have to hurry, Pete!" Cameron yelled through the door, looking down at his watch. He knew that the cops would figure out what they had done and would be coming for them. Cameron wanted to be long gone before the police showed up. They hadn't set up this elaborate ruse to just go to jail.

"I won't be long." Pete sneered down at Erin as he climbed on top of her. Erin tried to turn her hips, trying to force his weight off of her. She wasn't going to let this happen without the fight of her life. Erin kicked her legs, trying to get Pete to fall off of her. With her hands tied behind her back, all she had was her legs. "I told you to stop." Pete's eyes narrowed as he used his own legs to hold down Erin's and leaned down closer to her face. Erin turned her head away defiantly. She still was longing for her team to come rescue her from this nightmare.

Erin couldn't hold back a startled scream as Pete suddenly sat up and ripped open her shirt, exposing her bra. He had this twisted smile on his face as he looked up and down Erin's body. Erin felt her heart sinking as she knew that there was nothing she could do to stop this from happening. Erin let out a sob as he kicked off his pants and climbed back on top of Erin. Confident now, Pete moved the knife away from Erin's neck and used it to slice off her underwear and bra. More tears welled up in Erin's eyes as she was completely exposed to this maniac. Pete placed one hand on Erin's neck and the other, he grabbed onto her bare hip.

"This is going to be fun." Pete said as he entered Erin. Erin screamed in agony. Pain exploded in a way she had no idea it existed. It was like a hot iron poker rod had been shoved inside of her. Pete grunted as he started thrusting. Tears fell from Erin's eyes as she tried to think about being anywhere else besides where she was or what was happening to her. The pain was unbelievable and she knew that she was bleeding. She felt so used, so disgusting. She tried to think of Jay's loving caresses and the love that they shared. She tried to remember the delicate way that he liked to press kisses against her lips. She tried to think about the way they fell asleep every night, her head resting on his chest.

"Get off of her!" Pete turned with a start, reaching for the knife as Jay threw his shoulder into the door and came bursting into the room. Jay fired off one shot as Pete tried to bring the knife to Erin's neck. Pete's body collapsed to the side, the oozing hole in his head ensuring he wouldn't hurt anyone, ever again. "Erin? Erin?" He said as he slowly approached the bed, trying to blink back the tears that were forming at the scene in front of him. He swallowed the bile that rose in his throat when he finally got next to Erin. Her eyes were completely blank. She was awake but her eyes were unfocused and she was in another place.

"Erin?" He repeated her name, gently, as he reached out to carefully removed the gag from her mouth as he carefully sat down on the bed next to Erin. He had seen her naked countless times, but he would rather cut off his own legs and shoot himself in the head than ever have had to see her like this. He'd never forgive himself for not piecing the story together sooner. He could have gotten here in time to stop this if he had just figured it out.

"Untie me, please." Erin whispered, her voice hoarse from screaming. "Please." She choked out as tears started pouring from her eyes again. The pain was overwhelming. She wanted to be carefully tucked in with her pillows, in her own bed, so that she could close her eyes and forget this ever happened.

"I'm going to roll you on your side so I can untie your hands." Jay wanted to kick himself for not already untying her. He felt numb, like a rookie on their first case, unsure of how to handle anything with his partner down in front of him. Erin nodded that she understood and Jay carefully untied the rope that had kept Erin's hands pinned behind her back. He winced as he took in the bloody, raw rings around her wrists. He knew that meant she had struggled to get free. Once her arms were free, Erin wrapped them around her chest as more tears fell.

"It hurts so bad." Erin sobbed. It was killing Jay to see her hurting so badly. Jay glanced down and was shocked to see the blood was starting to pool around her. He glanced over at the body of Pete Damien and almost wished that he hadn't taken the shot. He wanted to bring Pete back so that he could make him suffer properly for what he had done. Jay realized that Erin was completely naked and probably freezing. He snatched a blanket from the end of the bed and carefully laid it on top of her. He didn't know how to make her feel better but hoped the blanket would give her some comfort.

"Brett and Gabby are outside. They're going to get you to the hospital." Jay reached for Erin's hair, wanting to move the stray hairs out of her face. Erin flinched, shrinking away from his hand before she could stop herself. She knew Jay. She knew he wasn't going to hurt her. He wouldn't ever hurt her. She hated the look of horror on Jay's face as he jerked his hand away. "I'm so, I'm so sorry." Jay snatched his hand back. "I'm so sorry." He turned his head away to wipe away a tear. He couldn't believe he had done that. He was such an idiot. "I need Brett and Dawson up here. Erin, Erin needs assistance. No one else come in please." Jay spoke into the walkie on his shoulder. He didn't want to say it over the radio. Erin had been _**raped**_ and it was his fault.

Brett and Gabby came into the room, not sure what they were going to be looking at and stopped short. Both loved Erin like a sister and knew exactly what had happened when they walked into the room. Brett regained her ability to move first and headed towards the bed. She dropped her medical bag next to the bed, pulling out an IV kit.

"Hey Erin, we're going to get you to the hospital. Gabby's got the stretcher and she'll bring it in." Brett kept her voice low as she looked into Erin's eyes. Erin's eyes looked glazed but she was able to bring her eyes up to focus in on Brett's face. "It's going to be okay."

"It hurts so bad." Erin repeated. She didn't know what else to say. It was like fifteen elephants were stomping on her lower abdomen. She felt dizzy and she wanted to give into the tug of unconsciousness. She didn't want to feel this pain anymore.

"I know. We're going to give you something for the pain. Can you give me an arm?" Brett had the drugs already pulled up to give to Erin. She knew that the pain killers would provide a temporary relief from the pain but would help her cope until they got to the hospital. Brett tried to make the stick as quickly as possible, seeing the wince on Erin's face as the needle slipped in. "Is all of your pain down there?" Brett wanted to make sure they didn't miss any other injuries. She did note the raw spots on Erin's wrists and would dress them once they got her in the ambulance. She carefully lifted the sheet so that she could see and was alarmed at the amount of blood she could see. The son-of-a-bitch had made her bleed. Erin just nodded as she stared up at the ceiling, trying to trace the pattern in her head to keep from passing out. She could feel the blood spreading underneath her legs now and wondered how bad the damage was.

"Do you want to scoot over for us?" Gabby had lowered the stretcher so that it was next to the bed. Erin couldn't seem to make any words form so she just nodded again. She started to shift and let out a cry when the pain exploded inside her. She didn't think it was possible to hurt more. She flopped back on the bed, trying to regain control of the pain in her body as she bit her lip to stop from screaming again.

"Erin." Jay's voice cracked with emotion as he hovered over the group. He didn't know how to help and he didn't want to try to touch Erin anymore. He didn't want to see the look of distrust and fear in her eyes looking at him ever again. "Can I help?" He asked Brett, wanting to do something besides stand there and speculate on the disgusting, horrific things that bastard had done to Erin.

"Let's roll a sheet underneath her to transfer her over to the stretcher." Brett made a quick decision. She knew that there was probably some severe tearing in the worst possible place if Erin was in this much pain. Jay nodded and pulled a sheet out from the bag. They very slowly rolled Erin to one side and then the other as they unraveled the blanket underneath her so they could transfer her to the stretcher. Erin kept her lips pressed tightly together as she tried to keep the screams of pain in as she focused in on Jay's face. She didn't know how he was ever going to look at her the same way. She was dirty, broken, filthy, and nothing would ever fix that. "We're going to transfer you now." Brett wanted to make sure she kept Erin informed on what they were doing. When Brett had become an EMT, part of the training was about how to handle rape victims. She knew that explaining would make them feel like she had control. She just didn't know that she would ever have to use her training on a friend. Gabby, Jay, and Brett all locked eyes and when Brett nodded, they pulled Erin up. They weren't prepared for the scream that ripped from Erin's throat. Her arms shot out, trying to find something to grasp on to. The pain was just too much and Erin's eyes rolled back into her head as her body relaxed and she fell into the blackness.


	2. Hurt

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews. I hope this chapter lives up to expectations!

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Erin could hear someone calling her name but it was sounded muffled, like she was underwater. She tried to start taking inventory of her body. The intense pain in her groin hit her and everything came rushing back. Pete was on top of her and hurting her. Her eyes flew open, not truly seeing the scene in front of her as she tried to push away from whoever was touching her. Several hands held her down as she fought against them. She screamed, trying to free herself from his grasp. She had to get away. She had to stop him from hurting her. She had to stop this pain.

"Erin! You're okay. You're okay, it's Brett and Jay!" Brett let a few tears fall as she watched her friend fighting against her, knowing that Erin was fighting because she thought she was still in the hands of that bastard. She couldn't imagine the horrific images that were in Erin's head.

"You're safe. You're in the ambulance." Jay spoke calmly, trying to hold back his own tears. Witnessing the love of his life struggle against him was shattering his heart. He knew that she wasn't really struggling against him, but against the piece of shit that had hurt her. It didn't make it any easier to watch. "You're safe." He repeated. He didn't know what else to say. He knew there weren't any magical words that would make it better.

"Jay?" Erin whispered after a few more seconds of struggling. Her eyes started to lose the glossy layer as she tried to focus in on Jay. She stopped thrashing on the stretcher as she started to realize she was no longer tied up. She was so terrified that it all might have been a mirage and she was going to look up and it would be Pete.

"Yea, honey. It's me." Jay wanted to scoop Erin up in a hug and squeeze away this pain forever. It was breaking him to see Erin suffering like this. Erin looked around the ambulance as she tried to center herself. It was the hardest thing for Jay to stop himself from reaching out and touching Erin's face. He wanted to comfort her so badly, but he did not want to scare her. "We're going to be at Chicago Med soon."

"I just want to go home." Erin sobbed out, her voice barely above a whisper. She didn't want to go to the hospital and have people poking around down there. She knew something was very wrong but she wanted to be in her own home. She wanted to take a hot shower that she might never come out from. She needed to wash him off of her. She didn't know if she could ever get clean again but she wanted to start trying.

"I know Erin, baby, but the doctors have to check you out." Jay spoke quietly. "Do you want me to hold your hand?" He asked, remembering with a pang of sadness what had happened last time he had reached out without asking first. Erin nodded meekly, her face flashing with embarrassment when she remembered what had happened last time Jay reached out for her. She felt awful. She knew Jay wouldn't hurt her. Jay slowly reached out and grabbed the hand closest to him, squeezing it gently between his two hands. Her fingers were cold as ice.

"We're here." Gabby announced as she brought the ambulance to a stop in the emergency bay. She had called ahead to get Dr. Natalie Manning to be the one to take the case. Erin was going to need a woman doctor and someone who could be calm and quiet. She couldn't think of anyone better qualified to take care of Erin. Jay helped Brett and Gabby carefully lower the stretcher to the floor, trying to minimize the jostling as much as possible. The pained look on Erin's face wasn't lost on any of them.

"Hey Erin." Natalie greeted Erin in a gentle tone. "We're going to get you fixed up." She gave her the best reassuring smile she could. Erin just stared back at her, not sure if there was any proper response. She would rather pull out her own teeth than be here. She had been a cop long enough to know exactly what Natalie was going to do and where she would be poking and prodding. "Let's get her into Trauma 2." They carefully wheeled her into the trauma bay. A quiet hush fell over the doctors and nurses who knew and cared for Detective Lindsay as they saw her being wheeled in.

"Can they stay, please?" Erin begged, looking at Brett, Gabby, and Jay. She didn't want to be left with a bunch of strangers. She knew her entire body was going to be exposed. It felt like her soul was being shredded. Natalie glanced up at Brett and Gabby and they both nodded. They had been able to finish their shift when they got the call about Erin. Everyone knew that there was no way Jay would step away from Erin's side.

"We're not going anywhere." Gabby had texted already texted Casey and let him know that she wouldn't be home until extremely late. She wasn't going to leave Erin's side. Brett jerked her head up and down vigorously. There was nothing more important than being with Erin right now.

"On three, we're going to pull you over, okay? This will give us more room to work." Natalie didn't want to surprise Erin with anything. She had been advised that there was heavy bleeding and she wanted to get this rape kit over as quickly as she could so she could get Erin fixed up. Erin took a deep breath, knowing that it was going to hurt just as much as last time. Once everyone had a grip of the sheet, they pulled Erin as gently as they could onto the hospital gurney. Erin bit down on her lip, trying not to scream but she couldn't stop herself. This pain erupted inside of her every time she moved. Even the act of breathing caused excruciating pain. Everyone in the room winced at the harsh sound. "We're going to give you more pain medication, okay?"

"Please just let me go home." Erin sobbed, reaching out and grabbing onto Jay's shirt to try to center herself. There weren't words to put to the intensity of the pain. She looked up and Jay and couldn't figure out why he didn't look repulsed. She knew that she was broken now and wondered why he was still here. She was glad that he hadn't gone yet, because his strength was helping ground her.

"I'm going to get you home as soon as I can. Just let me take a quick look." Natalie wanted to get this over as fast as possible for Erin's sake. Carefully, Gabby and Brett helped moved Erin's legs so that Natalie could get a look. Both of them had to force themselves to keep moving her legs when Erin couldn't stop herself from letting out another cry of pain. They knew that this was the only way for Erin to get help but hurting her more made them both feel disgusting. More tears fell from Erin's eyes as she desperately clutched to Jay's shirt. Every tiny movement caused a sharp pain to flare deep inside of her. It felt like someone was scrapping her insides out with a dull blade. Natalie felt like someone had stabbed her in the heart as she took in the damage. The destruction was beyond anything that she had ever seen in a rape case. She knew that this was way beyond a few stitches. This was going to require extensive work to fix. Natalie knew cosmetic surgery might be in Erin's future. She quickly took a few swabs for evidence and let the sheet back down. She felt anger rising in her that someone had done this to someone so incredible and caring.

"What's wrong?" Jay knew the look on Natalie's face wasn't going to be good news. He could tell from the white knuckled grip that Erin had on his shirt that she was still in an extreme amount of pain. Her pupils were dilated and her face was beyond pale. He couldn't stand to see her suffering like this but he wasn't going to let her deal with this alone.

"There are a lot of deep cuts. I think the best thing we can do is take her up to surgery and take care of the cuts while you're under. It is going to be a lot of stitches." Natalie knew a local anesthetic wasn't going to even touch the pain Erin would feel once she started stitching the already tender and bruised area. Erin shook her head. Now that she was awake, she didn't want to close her eyes again. "Erin, I know you don't want to be put under but this is beyond what can be done while you're awake. I can be with you through the entire procedure."

"Please." Erin didn't have the strength to argue. The little strength Erin had left was devoted to keeping the darkness in the corners of her eyes at bay. The lack of fight that Erin put up was not lost on Jay. Erin never gave in without a fight. "Make the pain stop." She wanted to stay awake, but this pain had to go away. She couldn't stand it any longer. Natalie acknowledged Erin's consent and stepped out of the room to get the OR prepared. The sounds of Erin's cries as she left the room tore her deep in her gut. These were the hardest days to be a doctor.

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"Erin's going to be okay." Natalie ran her fingers through her hair as she stepped into the waiting room. The entire Intelligence Unit plus several other officers were crammed inside the tiny area. They all stood up when Natalie entered the area. "She's still not awake yet from the anesthesia. She won't be up for visitors for a while, but when she is, please remember to be careful. Don't touch her without asking and no loud noises. Be calm and quiet around her. Right now, the best thing you guys can do for her is be patient and give her time to heal."

"This is bullshit!" Ruzek couldn't stop himself as he erupted, kicking the hard plastic chair. He got a lot of satisfaction from the sound of it cracking as it broke. Erin was his best friend, his sister, his teammate, and some scum of the earth had hurt her. He started to kick another chair but he knew that breaking hospital property wasn't fixing anything. He grabbed the sides of his heads with his hands as he sank down against the wall. T\

"We'll get her through this." Antonio's blood was boiling but he was trying to keep it together for Erin. Natalie had said that Erin would need calm. He couldn't wait to hit the boxing gym. He planned on punching the bag until his knuckles were bloody. He looked over at Voight and Atwater to see what their expressions were. If it had been physically possible, Voight would literally be on fire. His expression was one that made Antonio cringe. The piece of shit who raped Erin should be glad he was dead. Atwater just looked numb. He was staring out the window with his arms crossed tightly, like he was trying to comfort himself. Jay was curled up in the corner, devastated that he had had to leave Erin's side. Every time anyone tried to talk to him, he just pushed them away. The guilt had fully set in now and no one knew how to even begin to touch his feelings. Everyone knew this wasn't on Jay but Jay would have to convince himself of that.

"I'll let you guys know when you can see her." Natalie knew that Erin's team cared about her, but seeing their raw emotions to the news really hit home. This was their sister and close friend that had been hurt in a way that would affect her for the rest of her life. She turned and left the room to go back and check on Erin. There was a long road ahead of Erin but Natalie knew that she had the best support system that anyone could ask for.

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This seemed like a good stopping point. This is an extremely hard story to write, but I wanted to try to do it justice.


	3. Breakdown

A/N: Thanks for all of the support and reviews. I hope this chapter lives up to expectations!

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Jay had flat out refused to leave Erin's bedside once Natalie had allowed them to come see Erin. Natalie had told them that Erin's body was healing and she would wake up when she was ready. Even though Erin was still asleep, everyone on the team had wanted to at least check in on her. After spending a few minutes with her, Hank, Antonio, Atwater, Olinsky, Ruzek, Roman, and Kim had all found spots so they could get as comfortable as possible in the small waiting area. Not one word was spoken about leaving the hospital. The bastard who had done this to Erin was dead, so there was no other place in the world they needed to be.

"I'm going to walk down and pick up everyone some dinner, can I get you anything?" Antonio asked quietly as he poked his head in Erin's room. Jay shook his head, not looking at Antonio. He had Erin's hand in his hands. "Jay, you need to eat." Jay shook his head again before finally turning towards to Antonio. Antonio was shocked as he took in Jay's face. Jay's eyes were bright red and there were still traces of tears in his eyelashes. He had never seen Jay cry before.

"I can't eat." Jay sounded so lost. Antonio felt a pang of guilt as he realized that no one had really checked in with Jay. They had all been in such a fog of disbelief since arriving at Chicago Med that no one had asked Jay how he was handling all of this.

"Jay. You know this isn't your fault." Antonio stepped into the room and knelt down next to Jay. "You did nothing wrong." He put his hand on Jay's leg as a lone tear rolled down Jay's face. Jay and Antonio locked gazes and the pain and guilt that was reflected in Jay's eyes made Antonio's heart hurt. "You did nothing wrong." Antonio repeated. He couldn't even begin to imagine what Jay was feeling.

"This _is_ my fault." Jay whispered as he glanced back at Erin's prone form. He just kept picturing her as he smashed his shoulder through the door. He kept seeing the pool of blood between her legs. He could still hear the screams of pain as they transferred her to the stretcher. They were the images and sounds that would haunt him for the rest of his life.

"No." Antonio said forcefully. "This is absolutely not. You have to believe that." Jay's head dropped to his chest as another tear fell. Jay felt like he had been broken into a million pieces. Antonio made a gut decision and grabbed Jay and pulled him down on the floor with him. Jay grabbed onto Antonio and sobbed into his chest. Antonio just held Jay as he cried. It was almost twenty minutes before the tears stopped falling. "You keep telling yourself this isn't your fault because this isn't your fault. When you can't tell yourself that it isn't your fault, you call me. I'll tell you again that this isn't your fault." Antonio helped Jay to his feet. Jay didn't even know how to respond or how to thank Antonio for what he had just done for him. There weren't words to express Jay's gratitude. "I'm going to bring you back a burger and you're going to eat it." Antonio gave Jay one last hug, looked over at Erin, and strode out of the room.

"You should listen to him." Erin's voice was extra raspy but still the most beautiful sound to Jay's ears. Her hands had tightened into fists on the bed but her eyes remained closed. Jay wasn't sure how long she had been awake but he hoped she hadn't heard or seen the fiasco that was him being a sobbing mess on the floor. He couldn't fall apart like that again. Erin needed someone who would be strong.

"Oh my God, Erin!" Jay leapt to his feet as he out to hug Erin. His mind flashed back to Erin flinching away from him and he snatched his arms back to his chest before he made contact with her. "How are you feeling?" He could have smacked himself for asking such a stupid question.

"Hurts." She admitted, knowing that she couldn't get away with telling Jay that she was okay. It felt like she had been run over by a truck. She knew that her wounds had been stitched because the agonizing, white-hot pain had been replaced with a constant throbbing pain. Erin knew that she had to be in some form of shock. She had flashes of things that were coming back but big chunks in the past day were missing in her brain. She wasn't sure if she should be, but she was grateful for the blanks right now. She knew she had been raped. A shudder ran through her and her whole body went ice cold as soon as she thought the word rape. She knew it was stupid thinking but she was really hoping this was some sick and twisted nightmare and she was going to wake up in Jay's arms.

"I'll get the doctor." Jay stood up and poked his head out of Erin's door to flag down the nearest nurse. The nurse said she would page Dr. Manning immediately and Jay came and sat back down next to Erin. Jay laced his fingers together as he sat down in the chair next to Erin's bed. Jay had a million things he had wanted to say to Erin but none of them sounded right. He wanted to tell Erin how incredibly sorry he was but nothing sounded right. He wanted to tell Erin how much he loved her but the words wouldn't leave his lips.

"He's dead, right?" Erin asked after a moment of silence. She had this blank in her memories that lasted from when Jay came bursting through the door to when she woke up in the ambulance. She was partly glad about the spots she didn't remember because it was her brain protecting her from the worst of the pain and images.

"Yes. I shot him." Jay's voice dropped deeper on the word him. Jay still wished that he hadn't killed Pete so that he could take him somewhere that no one would ever hear his screams. He wanted Pete Damien to pay for the heinous crime that he had committed. Jay had a list a mile long of things he wanted to do to Pete. He would have to settle for the fact that Pete was dead. Erin just nodded.

"Hey Erin!" Natalie kept her voice soft but cheerful as she walked into the room. "I'm sorry but I'm going to need to take a look and make sure the bleeding has stopped. Do you want Jay to be in the room?" Natalie pulled on a pair of gloves while she waited for a response from Erin. She hated having to poke and prod, but she knew she had to check. "I can give you something for the pain." Erin nodded to that and Natalie quickly typed a different number into IV machine that was attached to Erin.

"Please don't go." Erin pleaded as she opened her eyes and looked up at Jay. She held her hand out and Jay grasped it back, hard, trying to send Erin all of the strength that he could. This handhold was a lifeline to stability for Erin right now. Erin fastened her gaze on Jay as Natalie carefully moved the sheets. Once Natalie was done, she was going to tell him he could leave. He didn't have to stay and pity her. She didn't want to make him suffer through this with her. She wanted Jay by her side more than anyone else in the world but she didn't want him to feel obligated.

"I'm not going anywhere." Jay replied firmly. He knew he would be repeating these words a lot but he meant it with every ounce of his being. Unless Erin told him to get lost, he planned on staying by her side. He knew just how stubborn Erin could be but he wasn't going to let her run him off because she was scared of being a burden. He didn't care if that meant they never slept in the same bed again, he loved Erin and would do whatever she needed to recover.

"Are you ready?" Natalie asked after a few seconds. Erin jerked her head once to acknowledge that she was ready but her gaze didn't waver from Jay's face. Erin's eyes widened once Natalie moved the sheets away. Erin's second hand flailed and reached out for Jay as Natalie started checking. Her grip was like a vice as her breaths starting coming in quicker. "Okay honey, I'm done. The bleeding has stopped." Natalie snapped her gloves off and threw them in the trash.

"Am-Is, what's wrong with me?" Erin stuttered out the question. She still felt so dazed and her brain didn't want to form words or sentences. She tightened her grip even harder on Jay as Natalie helped move Erin's legs back together. It felt like she was being ripped apart every time her legs were moved.

"Well, you have a total of 48 stitches." Natalie started off with the easy news. She wasn't sure how much Erin wanted to know right now. Erin was a detective and one of the toughest people she knew but it was different this time. Natalie knew that Erin could handle the gruesome details of what happened to a victim but this was her own body and she was the victim this time.

"Is, was anything broken?" Erin wasn't even sure what to ask to get the correct answers. She took a deep breath to steady herself against the pain so she could try to think straighter. She could feel the extra pain medication flowing through her veins and she knew she was going to be sucked back under soon but she wanted to know. She already had this sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach but she needed to hear the words.

"That is kind of a complicated answer." Natalie answered honestly. She knew exactly what Erin was asking but she didn't know if Erin was ready for this yet. She knew that Erin was a tough as nails detective and had always asked to be given the news, no matter how bad.

"Please, be honest." Erin bit down on her lower lip to try to stop the tears from welling up in her eyes. She was not one to have the news sugar coated and she needed to know the honest truth. She needed to hear the words. She needed to know.

" _I'm really sorry, but there was a lot of damage to your cervix. We had to stitch your cervix in several places and," Natalie had to pause, trying to pull her emotions in, "You will never be able to have children."_


	4. I Love You

A/N: Thank you for the reviews!

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Erin felt like someone had shoved her backwards into this dark abyss and she was stuck, falling, tumbling head over heels, down this never ending black hole. Natalie's words kept reverberating around in the pitch black. _You will never be able to have children. You will never be able to have children._ Erin hadn't ever thought about if she wanted kids, but since she had started dating Jay, she thought about how cute his kids would be. She had thought about how cute _their_ kids would be. Now, they were just the kids who would never exist.

"Erin, come back to me." Jay sounded crushed as his words managed to break through the wall of Erin's thoughts. She felt him squeezing her hands, his thumbs stroking gently over the top of her hands. "You're going to get through this." He still felt so tongue tied on what all of the right things to say were. He wanted Erin to know that she wasn't alone. "I'm here. I'm here for you."

"I'm ruined." Erin's voice barely broke above a whisper. She opened her eyes and stared up at Jay. He could see the torture that swirled in Erin's hazel eyes. He knew that she truly believed what she had just said. Her entire mindset had been shattered and destroyed. It was going to take a lot of time to stitch it back together, but Jay didn't care how long it took. He had no other plans than to help her in whatever way she needed him.

"No, you are **not**. You're not ruined. You're going to be fine. I love you." Jay couldn't stop himself from spilling out his heart to Erin. They'd only been officially dating again for a few months but it didn't matter. He knew that she was his soul mate. He knew he had loved her since pretty much the first day he had stepped into Intelligence. He couldn't imagine spending the rest of his life with anyone else but her and this didn't change anything. He loved her.

"I love you too." Erin responded without a second of hesitation. She knew that she loved the man in front of her more than she thought possible, but after what had happened today, she had never thought he would say it to her. She thought he would be sprinting away from her as quickly as he could. "But you still want to stay with me after this?" She looked downwards for a moment before she looked back up at Jay. Jay felt his heart throb as he saw the look in Erin's eye. The look that said she felt worthless, disgusting, and broken. The look that was full of fear, self-loathing, and hurt. The look that made Jay want nothing more than to pull Erin into his arms and rock away the memories and the pain. "I can't have babies." Her voice was so quiet, Jay had to lean in to hear her

"Erin. I love you. My love for you did not change based on what happened to you, even if you can't have babies. I will be here to support you. I don't care what it takes to help you recover, I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere. You are not broken. You will heal. It doesn't matter how long it takes. I'm staying by your side. I will be here for you." Jay still felt like he was butchering his words but he wanted to try to make sure that Erin understood exactly how he felt. He wasn't leaving her side. He was serious that he didn't care what the recovery took or what Erin needed, he would be there for her.

"You want to stay with me? I'm disgusting." For what felt like the millionth time in the past day, tears filled Erin's eyes. She felt tears burning behind her eyelids before pouring down her cheeks. She was not normally such an emotionally person and all of these tears were so unlike her, but her body didn't even feel like it belonged to her anymore so the hyper emotions sort of made sense. Even with pain medication, Erin still felt the piercing pain that radiated into her groin. None of this felt like it was her body. Nothing felt right.

"You are not disgusting. I am never leaving your side. I have nowhere else to be. I don't want to be with anyone else. Do you want me to hold you?" Jay was desperate to have Erin in his arms. He didn't want to push her beyond what she felt comfortable with, but maybe she wanted or needed to be held. That was what she always wanted when she woke up from nightmares or after an exceptionally tough day at work but this was completely different.

"I, I don't know." Erin choked on the last word as she looked at Jay's face. She wasn't quite sure if she wanted to feel anyone touching her, not even Jay. She knew beyond a doubt that Jay would never touch her in the way that _he_ did but she just was still so uncertain. Every tiny noise or shadow made her jump. She wanted to get a handle on herself before she let anyone hold her and if she added in the excruciating pain still throbbing between her legs, she didn't know if she could even handle the extra pain that would come with being held. "I'm sorry." She burst into tears as she scanned Jay's face. She saw the hurt and worry written in the creases on his forehead.

"Don't be sorry. Don't apologize for anything. I'm the one who is sorry." Jay hated himself for even suggesting it. It was heart-wrenching to hear her cry. Jay was going to have to quickly learn how to keep a careful lid on his words. Erin nodded as she squeezed Jay's hand. She could okay with holding Jay's hands because they were keeping her centered and grounded. There was still pain medicine circulating through her body and her head still felt foggy. She kept a firm grasp on Jay's hands because they were real and safe.

"He's dead, right?" Erin shut her eyes as she flashed back to Jay bursting through the door. She could see Jay's face, full of rage and pure hatred for that man, as he shot him clean through the middle of his forehead. The whole horrific incident was finally starting to patch together in her head. Erin wasn't sure if knowing what had happened to her or not knowing what happened to her made her feel better. She didn't know how hard she wanted to push herself to remember all of the details. Her brain was so muddled. She still kept hoping that this was a sick and twisted nightmare but deep in her heart, she knew it was real.

"Yes. That bastard is dead." Erin heard the contempt and repulsion in Jay's voice as his grip tightened on Erin's hands. Jay's face twisted in anger for a moment before he gave Erin a tiny smile. She had become an expert at reading his facial expressions and he didn't want her to think he was mad at her. He was seething mad at himself for taking too long to get to her and he was so angry he saw red when he thought about Pete Damien. "You're safe."

"Thank you." Erin breathed quietly as she blinked a few times and let her eyes close. The pain medication was dragging her back under and while Erin didn't want to close her eyes again, she wasn't sure how long she could fight it. Erin went almost willingly into the darkness, hoping that the thought that Jay wasn't going to leave her side would help her sleep.

* * *

A/N: I put a lot of heart into each chapter as it is a very sensitive topic and I want to make sure to get it right, so hopefully I have done this chapter justice. I know it might seem like filler but I don't want to rush.


	5. Days, Months, Years

Sorry, I didn't mean for this to be so far apart! Here's the next chapter. Trigger warning for rape.

* * *

 _He was holding her down as he thrust his hips forward, the pain exploding inside of her. Her hands were trapped, tied behind her back as she struggled to get free. She tried to push her body down into the bed but he just clenched his hands tighter around her hips. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to take herself away from what was happening. The fire inside her burned hotter and hotter. She was a trained detective with the Chicago Police Department. She was supposed to be able to fight him off. She wasn't supposed to let this happen. This wasn't supposed to happen._

Jay felt a tear make its way down his cheeks as he watched Erin flail in the bed in front of him. He knew exactly what Erin was reliving in that nightmare. He wanted to snatch her in his arms and hug her and kiss away the pain, but he knew that would make it worse. "Erin, you are safe. I am here. You're safe." Jay still had no clue if he was saying anything close to the right thing to say but he hoped he was close. Jay felt his heart shattering as Erin let out a gut-wrenching scream and shoved at the air in front of her. It was like Erin had actually pushed the air out of Jay's lungs instead of the air in front of her. He couldn't even imagine the terror and fear that Erin must be feeling. "You're safe."

"Jay?" Erin's voice was extremely raspy as her eyes snapped wide open. Tears were pouring down her face as she grabbed onto the edges of the bed. Her breaths came in pants as she cried. The pain that she had felt in her nightmare didn't disappear like his face did when her eyes opened. The events of the past day came rushing back into her brain. She remembered that she was in the hospital. She remembered that the pain in her groin wasn't going anywhere. She remembered exactly what happened that put her in the hospital.

"I'm here. You're safe. You're okay." Jay reached for Erin's hands. Erin had said it was okay for him to hold her hands. Erin laced her fingers through Jay's fingers as she started to get control over her breathing. She tried to remind herself that it was just a nightmare and Damien was dead. "You're okay." Jay added one more time.

"I can't have babies." Erin bit her lip as she started to cry harder and her breathing started to pick up. Dr. Manning had promised Jay that she would come back and explain more in details when Erin was ready for the details. Jay knew that the time hadn't come yet. It was definitely something in the front of both of their minds but the truth was going to be harsh and Erin needed to be stable.

"We'll figure it out." Jay didn't care about the nonexistent babies right now. He definitely wanted to have children with Erin but the priority was Erin's recovery. Jay knew that children were not anywhere on the horizon and that was okay with him. He needed Erin to take care of herself and try to start moving past this first.

"Why do you want to be with me? I'm so disgusting. I'm so broken." Erin had gotten herself all worked up. She was sobbing and her breath was coming in gasps. She let go of one of Jay's hands and placed it on her chest. Her heart felt like it might race out of her chest. She could take a bleach shower and she'd still be filthy. She couldn't wait until she was allowed to get in the shower. She wanted to turn the water up as hot as it would go and just stand in the shower for days.

"Take a deep breath baby. You are not disgusting. You are not broken. I want to be with you because I love you." Jay knew that it would take a long time before Erin believed the words that he was saying but he didn't care if he repeated them a hundred, a thousand, or a million times, he would say them until she truly believed him.

"I am broken." Erin choked out as tears streamed from her eyes. "Can you get Hank?" She looked down at her toes, hoping that Jay didn't feel hurt that she was asking for someone else. She just needed to talk to Hank. Hank had been with her through some of the toughest times of her life.

"Of course!" Jay said without a second of hesitation. He understood that Erin viewed Hank as her father figure and had leaned on him many times before. He jumped to his feet and hurried from the room. He knew that Hank was down in the waiting room along with the rest of the team. No one could bring themselves to leave until Erin was able to leave. It was an unspoken bond of security and family. Everyone loved Erin like a sister and considered her a close friend. She was the first to step up when someone needed a helping hand and now she was in need of a helping hand. They all wanted to be here in case there was something they could do to help.

"Voight?" Jay walked into the waiting room and spotted him. He was standing near the small window in the waiting area. His arms crossed across his chest as he gazed intently out the window. Hank turned to look at him and strode over to him. Jay glanced around the rest of the room as he spoke to Hank. Burgess was asleep with her head on Ruzek's shoulder. Ruzek was snoring quietly. His head leaned back against the wall. Antonio was scrolling through his phone but had stopped and looked up once Jay had walked in the room. Atwater was also sleeping, curled up in the corner chair. Roman had a magazine opened in his lap but he was staring off into space. Olinsky had a blank look on his face, like he was still in shock. He didn't even look up when Jay came in.

"Erin wants to see you." Jay whispered to Hank. He had barely finished the sentence and Hank had left the room, heading towards Erin's room.

* * *

"Hey sweetheart." Hank knocked on the door as he entered. He wasn't normally one for nicknames, but it seemed appropriate given the circumstances.

"Hank." Erin greeted Hank in her normally raspy voice. Hank felt his heart pang as he took in Erin's appearance. Her eyes were bright red and tears still filled the bottom of her eyes. Her skin was pale and she was sweaty. Her hair was plastered against her face and her eyes were missing the normal sparkle they held.

"How are you?" Hank sat down in the chair that Jay had left right next to the bed. "The real answer." Hank gave Erin a look that said that lying was not going to cut it. Hank had known Erin for fifteen years and knew that Erin was notorious for trying to hide her feelings. He had spent years learning how to poke and prod her to get her to open up about her emotions.

"I feel so disgusting. I just, I feel so broken. I feel dirty and used. I don't know how Jay or anyone is going to ever look at me the same way again." Erin let out a sob as she opened up to Hank. "I, I'm a detective. How did I let this happen?"

"Let's get one thing straight Erin. You did _not_ let this happen. This was not your fault. No one thinks any less of you. This was not your fault." Hank knew that rape victims blamed themselves and that all he could do is keep providing comfort and affirmation to Erin that she was not at fault for this. Hank didn't plan on letting Erin go down this road alone. He knew that Jay wouldn't leave Erin's side and he didn't plan on it either.

"I can't do this." Erin threw her hands up over her eyes and started to cry again. She felt so lost and weak. She didn't know how she was going to get through this. She wasn't sure if she was strong enough to survive this.

"You're going to get through this. You're going to be okay. This was not your fault." Hank wanted to console Erin by giving her a hug but he just had to rely on his words. He had said these words to countless rape victims but the words felt like they were stuck on his tongue when it was Erin. Erin was all but his daughter. It was the worst feeling to know that he couldn't take this pain away from Erin. He would put the pain on himself if he could.

"I'm not strong enough." Erin whimpered as she wrung her hand together. Hank had never seen Erin look so beaten and broken. Erin had gone through years of neglect from her mother and drug abuse and she'd come through it. She was tougher than nails. Hank knew that she could come through this. It might take days, months, or years, but Hank knew that Erin was going to recover.

* * *

"I need to know, please?" Erin was all but begging Natalie for some more answers. Natalie had just finished checking on the progress of the healing. Erin had spent three days in the hospital. She was finally starting to get control over the pain and the shock was finally starting to wear off. Erin had been in and out of consciousness, fighting off nightmares, panic attacks, and now an infection. They'd started Erin on some antibiotics after her heart rate spiked and her temperature had started to rise but it meant that Erin wasn't going home any time soon. Erin had been really upset but had resigned herself to the fact that she wasn't going to convince anyone to let her go home.

"There was a lot of damage to your cervix, Erin." Natalie paused. She knew that Erin was asking to know but she still wanted to tread carefully. She never found giving information that was life altering got any easier. "Your uterus prolapsed and with the continued trauma," Natalie paused again, knowing that this was a lot to take in, "Your uterus had to be stitched to fix it and if you ever got pregnant, the scar tissue would not be able to successfully stretch with a baby's growth."

"Why?" Erin blurted out. She didn't know what else to say. She wasn't quite sure why she said it but she was at a loss. After all she had been through, this was just the icing on the cake. She turned to Jay, who was sitting in the chair next to her. She had a tight grip on his hands. Jay felt like his heart had been torn into a million tiny pieces. Erin did not deserve any of this.

"I am not sure why honey." Natalie wished she had the answers to tell Erin but she didn't. "It did explain why you were in such extreme pain. It was why you bled so badly." She knew that it wasn't any sort of consolation but she hoped that it would at least give her one solid explanation. She knew with rape, there weren't often a lot of rational, logical explanations with rape recovery and she wanted to provide Erin with at least one. Erin just nodded as more tears fell from her eyes. She thought she would surely have run out of tears but somehow the faucets in her eyes kept running. She felt the welcoming call of unconsciousness and she let it swim over her.


	6. Not a Breakthrough

A/N: I hope you guys understand where I'm taking this story.

* * *

Erin had finally built up the courage to kick Jay out of her hospital room for a few hours. She knew that he needed to get into a real bed and catch a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. She was already anxiously for him to come back and he had walked out of the door only a few minutes ago. She found herself watching the door, hoping he would walk back through it. She absolutely hated this feeling of helplessness but she felt completely dependent on Jay and the safety she felt with him around. She knew from her own police training, that it was normal to attach to one person, but it felt completely different now that it was her. She sighed as she tried to relax, knowing Jay wouldn't be back for a while.

"Hey, is it alright if I come in?" Came a quiet voice as they knocked at the door. Erin knew that voice instantly.

"Of course." She attempted to sit up a little bit taller in the bed, ignoring the pain that flared when she moved.

"How ya doing?" Antonio sat down in the chair that Jay had vacated. Erin would have to thank Jay later for sending someone to sit with her so she wasn't alone. She knew eventually she would have to be alone, but right now, the thought of being alone made her throat close up and her head spin. Jay knew that there was a very short list of men that Erin would trust to be alone with but Jay had picked the right guy in his absence.

"Well, I'm here." Erin shrugged her shoulders. She had already disliked that question but she was really beginning to detest that question. What was she supposed to answer, that her vagina was completely and totally fucked up and unfixable? Was she supposed to tell someone that she could never have children? What was the right answer to this question?

"I know." Antonio said, his voice barely audible. Jay had given him the bare details but told him to stay with Erin until he got back. Jay said that he was just going to run home for a shower and to pack a few things. Jay couldn't stand to be away from Erin any longer than that; even if it meant spending another night sleeping huddled in a chair. "What's on your mind?"

"They told me," Erin wasn't sure how to get the words out. It was like they were stuck on her tongue. "They said, I, I can't, can't have kids." Tears started to well up in her eyes for what might have been the millionth time. It was like having every bone in her body broken at the same time as she uttered the words. It felt like every drop of blood had been sucked from her body. The words physically hurt her. She hated uttering them because maybe, just maybe, if she didn't say them, they weren't real.

"Oh Erin." Antonio felt his heart filling with sadness. This was not what he had expected Erin to say. Erin had been through so much heartbreak. First, with Nadia being killed only a few months ago and now, this. Erin was an amazing person full of compassion and love. He only hoped that she would rise above this and show that Lindsay strength he knew she had.

"Jay said he loves me. I just don't know why he wants to stay with me." Antonio had to stop himself from yelling, it's about time. He had known for a long that Jay loved Erin. Even when they hadn't been dating, it had been blatantly obvious the feelings they had for each other.

"Because he loves you." Antonio knew that wasn't the response Erin wanted but it was the first thing he could think of. "Seriously, Erin, that boy has loved you for a long time. I think he tried to deny it at first but I saw it. I think I saw it before him. He doesn't care that you might not have kids. He doesn't see you as broken or damaged. He loves you. When he talks about you, his eyes light up. He stares at you all the time. He wants to stand by you. He will love and support you through anything you need." Antonio had been the one to bring Jay into the unit and had an incredible amount of respect and love for his fellow detective. Erin just nodded, overcome with emotions.

"Thank you, Antonio." Erin wasn't sure what else to say. "Thank you." She was so thankful for her Intelligence Unit family. After a few moments of silence, she grabbed the television remote and turned it to a re-run of House Hunters. They sat, making comments here and there about the houses until Jay returned.

* * *

"Do you have any questions about your antibiotics or home care?" Natalie asked Erin as she handed a thick stack of papers to Erin. Erin was dressed in some loose fitting athletic pants and a t-shirt that Jay had brought from her apartment. She had texted Hank to let him know she was being released but she had told him to stay at work. Hank had given Jay the next three days off to stay with her and that left him two members down in his unit.

"No. I'm just ready to get home." Erin gave Natalie a small smile as she accepted the papers. She would be forever grateful for all that Natalie had done. Natalie had gone above and beyond for Erin and Erin would never forget that. Erin had already gingerly climbed into the wheelchair that she hadn't been able to talk her way out of riding in. She would have sprinted for the exit if she had been allowed. It had been almost fifteen days since she had been brought to the Emergency Room and Erin was all but climbing the walls of her room by the end of her stay.

"Let's get you home!" Jay kept his voice peppy. He knew that being at home would be a whole new set of nightmares and issues but he knew that Erin would feel much better once she was in her own bed. Within a few minutes, he had her settled in the passenger seat of the car and they were headed towards Erin's apartment. He felt a weight off the top of his heart as he put the hospital in the rearview mirror.

"I want to get in the shower." Erin announced as soon as she stepped through the threshold of her front door. Jay nodded. "Are you, are you staying? I mean, you don't have to," Her voice got lower and drifted off as she dropped her gaze to stare at her hands.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'll watch some television until you're done. If you need help, just say my name." Jay answered. Erin brought her gaze back up and looked in Jay's eyes. She could see the sincerity in Jay's eyes. She nodded and headed towards her bedroom, ready to get the filth of the hospital off of her. Jay walked over and plopped down on the couch, watching Erin walk to the bedroom before turning on the television to some hockey game, letting his mind drift.

* * *

Once in the privacy of her own bathroom, Erin turned the knobs in the shower to start getting the water hot. She braced herself as she started to undress. She winced at the pulling pain in her groin, but it was manageable rather than breathtaking. Natalie had told her not to take a bath but a shower was fine. She felt the tears start to spill out as she took in the mess that was her body. The multicolored bruises scattered over her body and stood out against her pale skin. She turned away from the mirror, her head dropped in shame. She was so disgusting. She stepped into the shower, sighing in relief at the hot water. She turned so her face was close to the stream of water as sobs started to wrack her small frame. She wrapped her arms around herself as the water started to wash away the first layer of dirt. She cried harder and harder as every detail of what happened to her started to hit her. She slid down until she was curled in a ball on the floor of the shower. She let the water continue to flow over her, not caring as the almost scalding water hit her skin.

"Erin?" Jay used one knuckle to knock on the bathroom door. Erin had been in the shower for over an hour and he had grown more and more worried with each passing moment. She still had a few stitches and he was scared she might have hurt herself and been unable to get up. Suddenly, the sounds of Erin crying hit his ears and he felt his heart pang. He took a deep breath and made a split second decision to peek in the bathroom. He blinked back his own tears as he took in the scene in front of him. Erin was crumpled on the floor of the shower, crying. Her hands were covering her face and she made no sign that she had even heard Jay. He backed out and knocked on the door again. He heard Erin mutter a curse under her breath as the water splashed. "Erin, baby, do you need some help? I'll keep my eyes closed. I can just, I'll hold your hand and give you a towel. I can do whatever you need. I just, I want to help."

"You can come in." Erin's answer was so faint, Jay almost missed it. He kept true to his word and closed his eyes, feeling his way over to the shower door. He opened the door and held his hand out. "I'm broken." Erin sobbed as she reached for Jay's hand. Jay paused before deciding to do something rash. He stepped, fully clothed into the shower, grabbing the towel, as he wrapped Erin into her towel and pulled her into his lap. He let the water rush over both of them as he rocked her. After a few minutes, Erin started to relax and threw her arms around Jay as she pressed her face into his chest, more sobs ripping from her throat. Jay knew that this probably wasn't a breakthrough, so much as a gut reaction for Erin, but he would hold her for as long as she wanted. After almost twenty minutes, Erin's crying seemed to start to slow. He craned his arm back and turned the water off, getting to his feet with Erin still in his arms. He snatched a few extra towels off the rack and set Erin on the toilet, handing her the extra towels. He moved the pajamas that she had gotten closer to her and stepped back. He wasn't really sure where to go from here.

"I'm going to change my clothes really quick, okay? Once I come back, I won't look until you say you're dressed." He strode quickly from the room and stripped off his wet clothes as fast as he could. He walked back into the bathroom, re-dressed, within a minute but kept his back turned away from Erin. He wanted to respect Erin's boundaries as much as possible. He heard the rustling of clothes as Erin finished changing.

"I'm dressed." Erin's voice was raspier than normal, worn out by the crying. After her almost two hour stint in the shower, she was completely exhausted.

"Do you want me to carry you to bed?" Jay asked once he was facing Erin. He didn't want to overstep and wasn't sure if what happened in the shower counted. Erin hung her head again as she nodded. She wasn't sure her legs would support her weight and when Jay had held her in the shower, she felt a safeness that she hadn't since she was raped. There was something that Jay brought that made her feel completely secure. Jay moved slowly, not wanting to scare Erin as he picked her up and carried her over to the bed. "Feel better?" He asked once Erin was settled in the bed.

"I, I, I don't want to be alone." Erin was having trouble getting her sentences out. Jay nodded and knew instantly what she was asking. He snagged an extra pillow and blanket out of the closet and set up on the floor near Erin. He flipped the light switch on the wall before settling himself on the floor. He made a mental note to buy an air mattress at some point in the next few days. Erin's floor was cold and unforgiving but he would gladly sleep here for Erin. He didn't care if he slept on this floor for the next twenty years, so long as those nights were with Erin.

"Thank you." Erin's voice came after almost ten minutes in the dark. She still was trying to explain to herself why Jay wanted to be with her but she knew she loved him and he loved her. She let her eyes fall shut, trying to think about Jay's love for her as she drifted off.


	7. Five Minutes Earlier

A/N: I'm sorry I went so long without updating! I have had both the flu and the stomach bug in the last few weeks and am still recovering. Let me know what you think.

* * *

A blood curdling scream jerked Jay out of his sound slumber. His eyes snapped open as where he was and what was going on came rushing back to him. He struggled for a moment to free himself from his blankets and scrambled quickly to his feet. Erin was thrashing in her bed, her arms flailing as she fought off an attacker that only she could see.

"Erin!" Jay called to Erin, afraid to reach out and touch her and make it worse. He felt tears threatening to rise in his eyes as he watched her chest arch off the bed as she tried to free herself. "Erin, baby, please wake up!" He pleaded with her, hoping his voice would reach her. He looked at the clock, 3:25 AM. "You're safe. You're okay. I'm right here. You're okay." He kept trying to reassure her and hope his voice was reaching her in the darkness of her nightmare. Suddenly, her eyes flew open and she lurched forward, wrapping her arms tightly around Jay's chest. It took Jay a second to recover from his shock and he wrapped his arms around her. She was covered in sweat and shaking. "You're okay. It was a nightmare. You're safe."

"I hate this." Erin sobbed, tears soaking into Jay's shirt. It had been an incredibly vivid nightmare. She felt like she could feel him pushing her down on the bed, the weight of his body on top of hers. She could still feel the ice cold blade of the knife slicing through her shirt. She could still see the malice gleaming in his eyes as he leered over her. "Make it go away."

"I would in a heartbeat if I could. I'm so sorry Erin." Jay blinked hard, trying to make the tears in his eyes go away. He loved Erin so much and to see her suffer like this was breaking his heart. She was still shaking in his arms. Erin had come home from the hospital six days ago and every night had been full of being woken up by night terrors. It made his entire body ache for Erin and he wanted nothing more than to take this pain away from Erin. If only he'd been five minutes faster that day, none of this would have happened. "What can I do to help you?"

"I don't know." Erin whispered, her hands were still shaking but her heart rate was finally starting to even out. She didn't want to go back to sleep right now. The thought of closing her eyes and seeing his face again made the vomit rise in her throat. She used to love curling up in her bed after a long day at work but now, getting into bed was like willingly climbing into a bathtub full of acid. Every time she got into bed since being hurt meant waking up sweaty and terrified.

"Do you want me to go?" Jay asked, hoping that Erin would say no. He didn't want to be anywhere but here, but if Erin needed some space, he wanted to respect what she needed for her recovery. She hadn't wanted to be alone yet but Jay knew that there might be a time where she needed to be alone to sort out herself and the memories.

"No!" Erin half shouted as she clung tighter to Jay. The thought of him leaving was more than she could handle. "Can we watch television?" She asked after she felt like she could move again. She'd always felt so safe in Jay's arms and that feeling was starting to come back. She still flinched every time he touched her but she knew that Jay would never hurt her and she kept reminding herself of that.

"Of course!" Jay didn't care if Erin asked for him to hop on one foot and sing, if that was what made her feel better, than he would do it for her. "Do you feel like walking?" Erin nodded and swung her feet over the edge of the bed. She grabbed the blanket on top of her comforter and wrapped it around her shoulders. "Let me get you some socks!" Erin couldn't sleep with socks on but normally had on a pair of fuzzy socks until she got into bed. Erin managed to give Jay a small smile as he walked over to her dresser and found a pair. He slipped them on her feet quickly and shoved the air mattress out of the way so Erin could walk into the living room.

"You're amazing." Erin whispered as they got settled on the couch. Jay slowly and carefully tucked Erin underneath his arm. He checked to make sure that Erin was comfortable and let his arm rest on top of her. At 3:30 in the morning, most channels had switched to informationals, but he found an old episode of a cooking show that he didn't recognize. They were halfway through making some extravagant chocolate dessert that would only be served a restaurant that took up half of his paycheck. Maybe once Erin was more stable, he'd take her to one of those fancy restaurants.

"I love you." Jay answered and squeezed her a little bit closer, hating himself for it when she tensed up for a second before relaxing. He stared at the television screen but he was lost in his thoughts. He kept looking over at Erin to make sure she still looked comfortable. He was being extremely careful on what was on the television screen because he wasn't sure how she would handle a show like Law & Order: SVU where they talked about rape. He smiled when he realized about twenty minutes into the show that Erin's eyes had closed and her breathing had evened out. She'd been sleeping so little and any extra sleep was a fantastic thing. He flipped the station to find a baseball game and let his own eyes fall shut.

* * *

"I know you don't want to be here but I want to help you Erin." Dr. Charles smiled kindly over the top of his glasses as he held onto his coffee cup with both hands. Erin had agreed to meet him at a local coffee shop after constant pleading by Jay and Voight.

"I have never liked talking about my feelings." Erin answered honestly. Voight had all but twisted her arm to get her to agree to meet with Dr. Charles. It wasn't that she didn't like him, in fact, she thought he was a very respectable man, but it was the fact that he would be looking into her mind.

"I know, but here we are." Dr. Charles took a sip of his coffee. "How are you doing?" The way that his eyes pierced into Erin's meant that there was no giving a generic answer. Erin knew that she had to try to talk to Dr. Charles if she was going to get anything out of this session.

"I wish I knew how to answer this question." Erin mumbled after a few minutes. She felt like she had said 'I'm fine' more than she could count. Everyone kept asking her that when they saw her and treating her like she was a china doll that might fall over at any moment. She absolutely hated it and wanted her old life back. She looked down at her hands. She could see where she'd picked off the skin around her fingernails and she'd chewed her nails until they were nubs.

"How's your sleep?" Dr. Charles was going to let Erin give her own answers but Jay had come to him and let him know about the screaming and the nightmares.

"I'm not." Erin's sleep was deteriorating even further. She had slept seven hours in the last three days. She knew that there were dark circles under her eyes that no amount of concealer had touched. Dr. Charles clasped his hands together and rested his chin on them.

"Nightmares?" He knew it was an obvious question but a fear of sleeping could be almost as bad as the nightmares. Erin nodded, still not looking up from her hands. "Those are normal as I'm sure you know." Dr. Charles kept his voice gentle. He didn't want Erin to push him away. Erin nodded again.

"I just want to go back to normal." Erin spoke, her voice coming out like a sigh. She just wanted this to all go away. It was like her whole life had been shoved inside a bottle and shaken up.

"I know honey." Dr. Charles wished for that too. Erin had done so much good in her career as an officer and detective and didn't deserve this.

"How does someone move past this?" She asked after a few more minutes of silence. She wanted to get back to her job and joking around with Jay. She wanted to get back to sleeping and eating like a normal person. She wanted people to stop looking at her like she was broken. She wanted to be Erin Lindsay again, not this shell she'd become.

"It takes time and you have to keep opening up. Even if it's not me, I know that Gabby or Brett would be willing to talk to you." Dr. Charles had a lot of respect for the two paramedics that always went the extra mile. He knew that they had responded to the initial call and he knew he'd seen them hanging out at Molly's frequently. "You're going to get there. I know it's the first thing that is in your mind every time you wake up and it's consuming you right now, but you will move past this stage. I promise. You are going to get to a point where you wake up in the morning and it won't be the first thing you think about. You're going to get back to being a detective."

"I hope." Erin felt a tiny bit of hope, something she hadn't since she'd been attacked, with Dr. Charles words. Dr. Charles jumped when his phone started ringing.

"I'm so sorry Erin, for the first time, it's me that has to leave!" Dr. Charles cracked a small joke once he hung up the phone. They had an emergent psych evaluation on a patient who needed surgery immediately but they were not sure if she was of sound mind to make that decision.

"That's okay. Jay's just waiting outside." Erin looked out the window and could see Jay sitting in the car, scrolling through something on his phone. They paid for their coffees and walked out together.

"Promise me one thing Erin." Dr. Charles asked as he walked Erin over to her car. "You'll talk to someone and if you feel lost, you call me any time. You can call me at 2:30 AM or 4:45 AM or 5:00 PM or whenever you need me. If not me, call someone. I know everyone is here for you."

"I will." Erin promised genuinely. She knew that eventually Jay would have to go back to work and she'd be alone. She shuddered, trying to shake off that thought. She wasn't ready to be alone and she wasn't ready for Jay to be gone. She got in the car and looked over at Jay. She was desperate to drive but the doctor hadn't cleared her yet. She was still having trouble sitting up for long periods of time.

"Want to go home?" Jay asked, pulling out of the spot. He didn't want to pry about how her conversation had gone with Dr. Charles. He could see a tiny glimmer in Erin's eyes and that was the first time he'd seen that since she'd gone to the hospital.

"Um, can we just go by the precinct?" Half of Erin's mind said she wanted to go crawl underneath her bed and never come back out but the detective in her head kept nagging her to get out of the house. She regretted the words once she said them but she wanted to try. One day, she wanted to be able to get back to work and she knew that would be hard. She would have to go back to talking to victim's families and would she ever be able to not doubt that one of them was about to attack her? Would she ever feel safe again? Would she ever be able to be a detective again?

"Do you feel up to that?" Jay was floored at the suggestion. Erin hadn't wanted to leave the house or do anything before her talk with Dr. Charles. That would be a huge step in the right direction if she wanted to go try to be around people. Erin shrugged her shoulders. She definitely wasn't sure if she was ready but she was going to force herself to try. Jay smiled and turned towards the precinct. Erin felt weird being the passenger in her car but it was a good change of scenery from her bedroom wall.

"Erin!" Platt greeted Erin the second they walked through the door. Platt wasn't really sure if she should ask Erin how she was because that was a loaded question for someone who had been through what Erin had been through. "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you." She decided on after a second. Erin gave her a smile and thanked her before walking over to the stairs. Jay was hovering beside her, ready to help Erin if she needed him.

"Hey Erin!" Antonio greeted Erin after doing a double take at who was coming up the stairs. He jumped to his feet and walked towards Erin, stopping when he saw her shrinking back towards Jay. It was a punch in the gut that Erin felt unsecure around him. He stopped and shoved his hands into his pockets to hide his rage. That son of a bitch better be glad that he was dead because Antonio would have pummeled him otherwise. Everyone heard the name Erin and also got to their feet, not wanting to all advance on her at once, but happy to see Erin.

"I, I can't do this!" Tears sprung into her eyes and she turned towards Jay with fear in her eyes. "I'm sorry!" She squeaked as she rushed back down the stairs, ashamed and angry with herself for being so weak.

"It's okay!" Jay tried to comfort Erin as he hurried after her. She made it to the bottom of the stairs before he caught up with her. "Hey, it's okay. This is okay. You're allowed to feel this way." Tears were pouring down her face as she kept her face turned away from Jay. She lurched forward and cried into his chest. Jay saw Antonio peaking around the corner and he shook his head, knowing that seeing anyone else would just embarrass Erin further.

"I'm broken." Erin sobbed harder. She hated herself. She wasn't ever going to be right or be fixed. She was beyond fixing. She knew that.

"No, you're not. Erin, you're not broken. You're going to be okay." Jay affirmed. He couldn't even begin to understand how hard this was for Erin. He just was determined to be there for her. He held her tightly until her tears started to slow.

"Let's go home." Jay led Erin towards the front door, keeping Erin tucked into his side. Platt gave them a sympathetic look before turning back to her computer screen. She had such a soft spot for Erin and seeing her like this broke her heart. Jay hated himself for agreeing to bring Erin here. He should have known she wasn't ready and who knew how much this might set her back. He just kept thinking, if only he'd been five minutes earlier. Five minutes and he would have been able to prevent this.


	8. Breakthrough

A/N: Thank you for all the support. Let me know what you think! I can't wait for tomorrow's episode!

* * *

It had been a week since the failed attempt to visit the precinct and Erin had refused to leave the apartment. Jay didn't want to push her but he didn't want her to keep fearing every little thing that was beyond her door. She had drawn back into herself more and was struggling with the nightmares and the PTSD. Jay had set up a grocery delivery yesterday because he was scared to leave her alone and thankfully, Antonio had run by his apartment and dropped some clothes off at Erin's door, but he knew that Erin would have to leave eventually. Voight was giving Jay as much time with Erin as she needed but he was facing pressure from above that he was down two detectives in his unit.

"Baby, what if I invited Brett over?" Jay very quietly broached the subject with Erin. They had been settled on the couch watching an old romantic comedy. He felt her start to tense up under his arm at his words. "She could just come and watch a movie with you?" He said after a brief pause when Erin didn't say anything. He didn't want to leave her but he also had talked to Dr. Charles in depth and Dr. Charles had explained that Jay represented her normal from before and she was hanging onto him for dear life to keep reminding herself of what her life used to be. Erin had to start realizing that she was capable of achieving a new normal and could return to her work and lifestyle from before.

"I, I guess that's okay." Erin's voice came out in a whisper. She considered Brett one of her good friends and she really liked her but she didn't know if this was going to go well. She knew that she should try but she had a hard time after what happened with Antonio.

"Okay!" Jay didn't want to shout but he was elated that she was letting someone else come over. He had had figured she would say no or be more resistant to the idea. "I'll text her." He shifted so he could pull his phone from his pocket. He shot a message to Brett who answered immediately that she would come over within an hour. Erin took a deep breath as she tried to prepare herself.

* * *

"Hey!" Brett had a big grin on her face as Jay let her in the apartment. Erin was huddled under the blanket but managed to find a tiny smile for Brett. Brett approached her slowly and sat down on the opposite side of the couch. "How's your day going?" Erin shrugged, her voice lost the second that Brett had entered the apartment. Erin didn't understand why she felt this tightness in her chest. It was just Brett. She liked Brett. They hung out all the time. "Do you want to keep watching this movie? If not, I brought _27 Dresses_ and _13 Going On 30_." Brett had grabbed several of her favorite silly, mindless movies that she liked.

"Either is fine." Erin's voice returned, raspier than her usual, but it was there. Brett put _13 Going On 30_ in the DVD player and pressed play. Jay had been hesitating by the door but slipped out once he saw that Erin was focused on the movie. He'd already told Erin he'd been running a few errands and she was prepared for him to leave. Erin and Brett were quiet for about fifteen minutes, watching the silly beginning of the movie. "How can you act like you still see me the same?" Erin's voice had dropped but had a touch of anger to it.

"What do you mean?" Brett was genuinely shocked by this question. Jay and Brett had talked about some possible scenarios but this question hadn't been one they thought she would ask. She had figured Erin would want to talk about the attack or how she was feeling.

"I don't understand how you can act like you don't see me differently now. You see me now as the dirty, disgusting, gross person that I am." Erin sat up taller as her voice grew louder.

"Woah, Erin. I absolutely do not, in any shape or form, see you any differently. You had something awful happen to you but you are not disgusting or gross. This doesn't change my view of you. You're my friend and I want to help you through this." Brett wanted to cry but held herself together, knowing that tears were not going to make this easier. She didn't feel like it was her place to be the one who got to cry.

"I don't understand how you can't." Erin spit back. She couldn't seem to put this anger away now that it was out. She didn't understand how Brett viewed her the same way as she did before.

"Because Erin, I don't look at you as a thing. You're a person who just had something really, really awful happen to you. It doesn't imply that you are weak or bad. I still see you as the strong detective who helps people every day of her life." Brett hated seeing the anger in Erin's eyes. She didn't care that Erin was mad, she hated that Erin was angry about something that she should never have had to be angry about.

"Why?" Erin felt the anger rush out of her almost as quickly as it had come on. She wasn't really mad at Brett. Her anger seemed to come out of nowhere.

"Because you will bounce back from this. It takes time." Brett was completely confident that Erin could recover from this and would be stronger than ever. "It doesn't happen overnight. You need to get out of your apartment. You don't have to shut us out. We're here for you and not because you're weak. You're one of the strongest people I know. We want you to talk to us. Tell us how you feel. We're here for you." Brett rambled on but she hoped she was saying what Erin needed to here.

"I, I don't understand how this happened to me." The tears started to well up in Erin's eyes.

"I wish I had the answer to that question." Brett's heart was breaking for Erin. She wanted to give her a huge hug but Jay had warned her that Erin wasn't handling contact well and anything unexpected sent her into a full panic attack.

"I just, I want to wake up and it be like before." Erin started to sob as she forced the words out. "I, I wake up and I get like five seconds, five seconds where I forget what has happened and I feel normal. I get five seconds and then, it hits me. Everything comes rushing back and it's all I can think about once I'm out of those five seconds." Erin was choking on her sobs and Brett had to strain to understand everything Erin was saying.

"Oh honey. That's going to get better. It won't be instant, but you'll realize that you got a few minutes when you wake up before you remember. And a little later, you'll realize that it's half an hour and soon, it will feel like less of a sledgehammer to the stomach and more like a tap on the shoulder." Brett knew that this wasn't going to be for maybe years, but it would happen. Erin brought her knees up to her chest and buried her head into her knees.

"Thank you Brett." Erin said after a few more moments of silence, trying to convey how much she appreciated Brett. She hated that she'd lashed out at her. She was grateful that Brett had been able to talk her through it.

"You are very welcome. You can talk to me anytime." Brett sincerely meant that Erin could talk to her at any time. She couldn't begin to imagine the emotional roller coaster that Erin was on.

"I want to feel normal." Erin repeated. She'd said it a thousand times to Jay but it was so hard to convey exactly what that meant. There were so many layers to that word, normal.

"What do you want to do to feel normal?" Brett asked, knowing it was probably the first time that anyone had asked Erin this.

"What?" Erin was a little confused. That was a new answer to the statement she'd been saying. Dr. Manning, Dr. Charles, and Jay hadn't ever said this to her.

"Yup, that's the question. You don't get back to normal if you sit here inside of your apartment. You have to figure out what is going to help you feel normal again." Brett clarified. Erin nodded slowly as Brett's answer sank in.

"I want to try to go to the precinct again." Erin said on the spur of the moment. She almost put her hand over her mouth once she said it but she didn't regret saying it. She knew part of normal for her was being able to work. If she was able to go back to the precinct, she could start taking steps to return to work. She wanted to be a detective again.

"Okay. Let's go." Brett got to her feet. There was no better time than the present and if they got there at the right time, Jay might be there. She knew that would make Erin feel a little more relaxed to have Jay close.

"Right now?" Erin stammered. She hadn't been prepared to go at this moment. Brett responded by pulling out her car keys and holding them up. "I'm, I'm not dressed!" She looked down at the sweat pants and hoodie she had on. Her hair was a greasy mess and she wasn't wearing makeup.

"Go get dressed. We're going." Brett's voice gained some determination as she motioned towards the bedroom. She hoped that pushing was the right thing but after a second, Erin moved towards the bedroom. She threw on a pair of jeans and a black shirt, zipped up her boots and threw her hair up in a bun.

"You'll go in with me?" Erin asked as she emerged from the bedroom. Her heart was fluttering and her stomach was in knots thinking but her brain was reminding her that this was the right thing to do.

"Yes!" Brett said enthusiastically. Erin moved towards the door before she could change her mind and Brett followed her out. They were heading towards the precinct within a few minutes and Erin half-jogged to the front door. Brett kept a few inches of space between them but was close in case Erin needed a hand to hold or a hug, even though Jay had said she was extremely guarded about physical contact. "You can do this." Brett reminded Erin one last time as they pushed through the first and second set of doors.

"Erin!" Trudy was extremely surprised to see Erin after the last fiasco. She waved at her from behind her desk but didn't say anything further. She didn't want to make Erin any more nervous than she had to be. She buzzed them in once they got close to Erin wouldn't have to type her code in.

"Hey!" Jay greeted them at the top of the stairs, stopping dead in his tracks when Erin appeared. He was floored that Erin was in the precinct again and gave Brett a look that conveyed both shock and happiness that Erin was here. He had figured that they would just sit and watch the movie.

"Hey." Erin's voice was a squeak as her eyes darted around the room. Ruzek was in the break room, his back to the door. Voight was at his desk and looked up to see Erin, but forced himself to stay sitting. He knew that Erin needed small steps. Olinsky peeked around the corner, but also didn't get up. He didn't want to scare Erin. Antonio smiled from his desk. He didn't to mess anything up this time so he just kept his mouth shut. Jay was the only one who stepped forward, figuring that Erin would be okay. "I'm okay." Erin took a few steadying breaths but took another step forward, closer to Jay. She felt a little bit safer knowing that Jay was beside her in case she needed him. She was determined not to run this time and with both Brett and Jay here, she thought she could handle this a little bit longer.

"You're doing great!" Brett whispered to Erin. She was really proud of Erin. "Why don't we try to make it to Jay's desk and back and we can go." She knew that setting a goal would help Erin. Erin took a few steps forward, pausing when she got past the point where the stairs were directly behind her for her to bolt down. Her hands were shaking so hard and sweat was forming on her forehead but she pushed forward.

"We miss you Erin." Ruzek said from the doorway of the break room. He didn't want to step beyond the threshold and panic her but it was a good sign that she was here. Erin thanked him as she laid her hands on Jay's desk with a huge sigh of relief.

"Ready to go?" Brett asked after Erin had stood there for a few minutes. Erin nodded vigorously and they headed towards the door. Jay mouthed thank you to Brett several times before she waved him off. She didn't need to be thanked. Brett waved at everyone as Erin started to descend down the stairs. Erin felt a peace in his heart that she had her first successful outing as Brett drove them to the nearest Starbucks.


	9. Baby Steps

A/N: **Trigger warning for rape.**

* * *

"How do you feel today?" Dr. Charles asked once the waiter had come and taken their order. Erin had asked if they could meet at one of her favorite diners for dinner instead of getting coffee. She hadn't been eating much but she hoped she might see something that jumped out at her. After almost fifteen minutes of staring at the menu, Erin had just ordered a small side of fries. "You look tired." He commented as he took in her appearance.

"I didn't sleep last night." Erin mumbled as she picked at her fingernails. After dinner, she and Jay had been relaxing on the couch and something had set her off. She didn't even understand what had had made her so anxious but her heart had raced and she hadn't been able to sleep once she calmed down. She had started watching Food Network and was fairly certain she might eventually be a decent cook from all of the tips and recipes she saw.

"What happened?" Dr. Charles asked with a concerned look in his face. He knew that part of recovery from rape was having trouble sleeping but Erin looked like she hadn't sleep in weeks.

"I, I honestly don't know. My heart just kept going and I felt incredibly scared. I don't know what made me scared." Erin said honestly. She didn't recognize this new, frail person who apparently was scared by the act of sitting on the couch.

"It's okay. Can you tell me more about your symptoms?" Dr. Charles pulled out a small pad of paper and a pencil. Erin nodded as she took a big swig of her water followed by a steadying breath.

"It feels like my heart is about to beat right out of my heart. I can't get enough air in my body and I shake really hard. It feels like the world is crashing down around me." Erin was hoping that Dr. Charles could help her because she felt like she wasn't in control of her body anymore.

"Sounds like you're having panic attacks." Dr. Charles didn't even need to write anything down. These were textbook symptoms of panic attacks. "So, one of the best ways to pull out of a panic attack is in the breathing. Focus on breathing in for five seconds, holding for five, and out for five." Erin listened intently. She was ready to figure these panic attacks out. "I also recommend to most of my patients a visualization technique. It's like the whole sheep thing to go to sleep. You visualize a calm, happy, and relaxing place. Like relaxing on the beach and there is not a care or concern in the world. It helps your mind relax."

"Thank you." Erin was grateful for any help that could be provided. She wanted to get back to something that resembled normal. "When do you think I can work again?"

"Well, I want you to have a handle on your panic attacks and sleep cycle before trying to dive back into work." Dr. Charles knew that Erin wanted to get back to work as quickly as possible, but it would take her some time to be able to handle the emotional and mental part of her job. Erin could see his point so she just nodded.

"Here you guys go!" The peppy waiter walked up with the plates of food in his hands. He gave Erin her order of fries while giving Dr. Charles his hamburger with mac and cheese. They thanked him for their food and the waiter walked off. They ended up finishing their meal with light conversation and parted without another word about the panic attacks. Dr. Charles had learned quickly that if he pushed too hard with Erin, she would completely shut down on him, so they were taking baby steps.

* * *

"Do you want to try to rest?" Jay asked Erin as they walked back into her apartment. He hoped she would say yes. She needed to try to get caught up on some of her lost sleep and Jay wouldn't mind lying down. It wasn't really late enough to head to bed but they weren't on a schedule until Erin started to get more sleep.

"Sure." She headed towards the bedroom and walked into the bathroom to change into something more comfortable. She slid into the sheets a few minutes later. Jay took his spot on the floor and they both dozed off. "Jay!" Erin screamed as she threw her arms out in front of her. Her eyes were still screwed shut. Jay got to his feet, making a shushing noise while trying to comfort her. "Please, Jay, get off me!" Erin let out a gut-wrenching scream as tears started falling. Jay stumbled backwards away from the bed in horror. "Jay, you're hurting me!" She screamed as Jay fell to his knees in shock. "Jay, please stop!" She whimpered as she thrashed in the bed as more tears leaked from her eyes.

"Erin, baby, please. I wouldn't ever hurt you." Tears were slipping from Jay's eyes as he clutched his heart. Erin's nightmares always made him sad but the realization that she was having a nightmare that it was him hurting her like that made him physically ill. She kicked off the remaining blankets before sitting straight up in bed with a look of fear in her eyes. Her eyes darted around the room until they landed on Jay and then she flung herself against the headboard, her eyes widening with fear. He took a hesitant step forward before Erin shook her head.

"Don't." She choked out as she started to sob. She didn't understand what was happening. This was a totally new level of terror and she knew she was in the middle of a panic attack but the only image in her head was Jay on top of her, hurting her. Jay bolted from the room before collapsing a few feet outside of Erin's room. He was glad that he had thought to grab his phone and pressed the speed dial for Antonio.

"Hey, I need you and Gabby, please." Jay pleaded the second that Antonio picked up. He knew that Erin wasn't going to want to see his face for a while but she couldn't be alone. He didn't want to be alone.

"Are you okay?" Jay heard the rustling of sheets as Antonio got out of bed. He hated that he knew he had woken up Antonio. He glanced over at the clock on the stove and saw that it was after midnight.

"I, I, no. I just, please. Erin will need Gabby." Jay didn't even know how to explain what was going on right now. He just needed someone to get over here as quickly as they could.

"I'm on my way. We'll be there soon." Antonio quickly jumped into the jeans and t-shirt he had been wearing the day before and grabbed his car keys as he pulled out his phone to call Gabby.

"What's up Antonio?" Gabby answered, still laughing from something said on the other end of the line. From the background noise Antonio could hear, he assumed she was at Molly's.

"I need you to get to Erin's. Something's wrong and Jay said she needs you." Antonio didn't have time for pleasantries as he started his car and screeched out of his driveway. The tone of Jay's voice had scared him.

"I'm heading there right now. Brett's with me, is it okay if I bring her?" Gabby's voice turned serious as she felt the panic rising as she beckoned to Hermann that she had to go. Once she spoke Erin's name, Hermann just waved her out, asking for an update later. They all missed seeing Erin in the bar and knew that she would need time to work through what she had happened to her.

"Yea, yea, that's fine. I'll see you soon." Antonio hung up the phone and pressed down faster on the gas. Gabby grabbed Brett and sprinted for her car after giving Casey a two-second explanation of where she was going. They met Antonio at Erin's door and before they could even knock, Jay flung the door open. They were taken aback by his appearance. His hair was standing in all directions and his appearance was disheveled. His eyes had red rims and were still wet underneath with tears.

"What's going on?" Gabby got her voice back first as they all walked into the apartment.

"I, I don't know." Jay's voice was broken and desperate. "Erin had a nightmare, but it was different. This time, it was me." His voice cracked on the last word and he sank down onto the couch. Antonio sat down next to him and slung a comforting arm around him. Gabby and Brett each squeezed Jay's shoulder. They couldn't even imagine how sad and hard that must have been for Jay. They headed into the bedroom. Erin was curled up, holding one of her pillows against her face and stomach as she sobbed into it.

"Hey honey." Gabby said in a soft tone as she knelt down next to the bed. "You've got me and Brett." Erin poked one eye out and looked at the girls in front of her. They both had sympathetic looks on their face as they gave her reassuring smiles. "Do you want to talk about it?" Erin shook her head hard. She didn't know what had triggered that nightmare. She loved Jay and Jay loved her. She knew that Jay would never hurt her but when she closed her eyes right now, all she could see was Jay doing something unspeakable.

"Okay, what can we do?" Brett said quietly. Erin shrugged her shoulders as she maintained her tight grip on her pillow. Both of them felt their hearts go out to their friend that was suffering so badly. Erin was completely covered in sweat and still shaking. Brett got to her feet and went into the bathroom. She returned with a warm wash cloth that she handed to Erin. Erin took it gratefully and wiped off her face and forehead.

"Hey. Antonio took Jay back to his place. Do you want to try to get up? We could go watch some television in the den or I could put in a movie?" Antonio had texted Gabby what was happening. Antonio didn't want to risk coming into the bedroom and freaking Erin out any more than she already was. After thinking about it, Erin agreed and swung her feet over the bed. She felt a pang of guilt and sadness as she looked at the makeshift bed on the floor that Jay had been sleeping in just half an hour before.

"Why don't you get on some fresh pajamas?" Brett could see that Erin's pajamas were sweaty and she probably wasn't very comfortable. Erin changed quickly while Brett and Gabby went out to set up in the living room. Gabby texted Casey to let him know she wasn't coming home tonight while Brett grabbed a few extra blankets. Erin emerged a few minutes later.

"It was so real." Erin whispered once they had gotten settled on the couch. "I, I don't understand why it happened." She opened up on the spur of the moment. Gabby and Brett weren't sure which words would bring Erin any comfort.

"Sometimes, when you are recovering from a trauma like yours and you've attached to a person, it's normal for your mind to warp everything around." Brett remembered that it was common part of victims to have nightmares that often included the people that were helping them. "The brain can be stupid." Brett wished there was a better answer. She couldn't imagine the pain of your brain showing you being attacked by someone who you loved.

"But Jay would never, ever hurt me." Erin knew that without a doubt. She was grateful that Antonio had taken Jay under his wing and would make sure that he was okay tonight. "I just, I want to be normal again." Tears started rolling again as she looked at the photo of the two of them in the living room. She looked so innocent and happy in the photo. She wasn't sure if she would ever get back there.

"Jay wouldn't ever hurt you. You keep remembering that. And you will get to normal." Gabby was confident that Erin would recover eventually. She wished that she could just take this pain away from her friend. "It's going to be okay." She knew that it would be. Erin mouthed several sentences to herself before she sighed and looked at the television screen.

"What do you want to watch?" Brett still had several DVDs in her car if there was any movie that Erin wanted to see or there was plenty of re-runs on television at this time of night. Brett wasn't a huge television fan so she wasn't really sure of what to suggest.

"I've been watching Food Network." Erin replied. Gabby flipped to the channel. It was _Cupcake Wars_. They were making some weird type of cupcake that had to include a kitchen spice including red pepper flakes and turmeric. Brett thought she'd rather eat her own sock than some of the cupcakes she saw. Erin felt herself relaxing as the episode went on. She knew that Jay wouldn't hurt her but she was glad that they would be apart for the night to process what had happened tonight.


	10. Clean Bill of Health

A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for the lengthy time between chapters. I was in really bad car accident and recovery has been slow.

* * *

After two episodes of _Cupcake Wars_ had passed in silence, Gabby looked over at Erin. Erin's face looked more relaxed but from the look in her eyes, Gabby knew that Erin was deep in her own thoughts.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Gabby asked, hoping to get Erin to open up a little bit more. She knew that it wasn't good to completely internalize everything after a traumatic event. She couldn't even begin to imagine what a dream like that must feel like and the emotions it carried.

"I just, what if," Erin drifted off as she swallowed hard. "Just, what if I can never have sex again with Jay?" She finally blurted out. She knew it might be the stupidest question but it had been in her thoughts recently. She had been romantically involved with Jay for over a year now off and on and she was wondering if that would ever return.

"Oh honey." Brett said quietly as she held out a hand to Erin. Erin took it gratefully as Gabby also held out one of her hands. They sat in silence for another minute, holding hands while Brett and Gabby thought about the right way to reply.

"Honestly, Erin, I think there will always be a little difference to how you had sex but I firmly believe you will have sex again. The trust you had with men before is gone now and you have to build it back up. Even with someone like Jay, who you love and trust, it just takes time. Don't rush." Brett answered first.

"And you know that Jay will always understand whatever you need. If you need him to stop or you just can't, he will never press you for it. You know that already." Gabby added. She knew that Erin was one of the strongest women that she had ever met.

"Thanks guys." Erin gave them both a genuine smile with a little more peace in her heart. She was incredibly grateful for friends that supported her and had stuck by her side through the absolute worst moments of her life.

"We're always here for you." Gabby responded with a gentle squeeze to Erin's hands. Erin smiled as they all turned back at the television, still leaving their hands clasped together. "What kind of cooking show is this?" Erin laughed as she swore she saw green rising in Gabby's face. Gabby was an excellent cook and enjoyed making new dishes but she was definitely not on board to ever make the dish they were cooking on the show.

"It's _Farmhouse Cooking_." Brett rattled off before she could stop herself and blushed when both Erin and Gabby looked at her with a questioning look on her face. Brett was best known for watching the sappiest, gushiest romantic comedies that made everyone around her want to vomit. "I, um, I like it."

"Brett, you never stop surprising me." Gabby laughed, feeling her heart lighten when Erin laughed along with her. It was almost three minutes before they were able to get control of themselves, finally changing the mood of the night to something lighter.

"Hey! You never know when it'll come in handy at the firehouse." Brett tucked her head against her shoulder as she laughed along with them. Cooking duty was literally her least favorite thing in the entire world and it was rarely assigned to her because of her lack of cooking skills. She made grilled cheese, Ramen, and mac and cheese but that was about it. Luckily, living with Gabby, she rarely had to cook.

"Well know I am not touching that if you cook that!" Gabby just shook her head as she watched them dump more and more ingredients into the stew. After the show ended, another episode of _Cupcake Wars_ picked up. Gabby glanced at the clock as she watched Erin yawn. It was 2:07 AM. "Do you want to try to go back to bed?" Gabby asked as Erin yawned again. Erin made a face as she shrugged her shoulders. Sleep was synonymous with being tortured lately.

"How about you take a quick shower to relax and we'll change the sheets. We can sleep on the couch or near you if you want." Brett didn't want to force Erin to do anything she didn't want to do but some sleep could help. Erin nodded at that suggestion. She got up and turned to face Gabby and Brett.

"I really can't thank you guys enough. From being there in the very beginning to being here now, I can't express how much you have done for me. You guys have been two of my rocks and biggest supporters. You haven't questioned me or made me feel stupid or silly. I appreciate you guys so much." Erin hoped the two could understand that she really didn't know what she would have done without them.

"You don't have to thank us." Gabby and Brett said in unison before looking at each other and laughing. Erin laughed with them as she headed for the bathroom. Gabby quickly texted Matt for a change of clothes and Brett explained where in her room to find the things for her. After getting the sheets changed, they decided to make up Jay's air mattress, which was a double and would be enough room for the both of them in case Erin needed them during the night. Matt dropped the clothes off just as Erin was turning the water off in the shower. Gabby explained the situation and Matt understood completely. He gave Gabby a goodnight kiss, told her that he was proud of her, and disappeared quickly. The girls changed while waiting on Erin to come out and they got settled, knowing that morning would be coming soon.

* * *

"Hey baby." Jay's voice came out as a rough whisper as he stepped back into the apartment, with Antonio hovering a few inches behind him. Gabby had made the girls breakfast and talked a little more with Erin and Erin had definitely wanted to see Jay. Gabby had texted Antonio to bring Jay over. Erin was curled up on the couch with Gabby on one side of her and Brett on the other side of her. She gave him a tiny smile.

"Hey." Erin returned the greeting. She had a million different thoughts running through her head but her voice failed her the second that she saw Jay. It wasn't that she was scared of Jay, but just didn't know what the right thing to say to him was now that he was in front of her. She had an entire speech prepared where she apologized for her behavior and that she loved him but it just flowed out of her brain.

"I'm really really sorry." Jay broke the ice after a few seconds. He didn't know what else to say. He hated seeing Erin in pain. He kept seeing Erin flinch away from him last night every time that he blinked and a little more of his heart chipped away. He'd rather been skinned alive than ever purposely hurt Erin.

"Don't be sorry. I'm sorry." Erin felt awful. Jay's eyes were still red and he had huge bags underneath them. She knew that he hadn't gotten any sleep. She felt a pang of guilt that she had actually managed to sleep until the sun came up. She could see from the shadows on Jay's cheeks that he hadn't shaved and his shoulders were hunched over, carrying the pain and failure he felt from last night. "You didn't do anything wrong." She literally couldn't imagine why he might want to apologize. He wasn't at fault for any of this.

"I didn't know what to do." Jay let his shoulders slump as he stared down at the ground. He knew he had panicked last night. The sounds of Erin screaming out that he was hurting her had frozen him. He wished he had known what to do other than call for Gabby and Brett.

"It was me that didn't know what to do." Erin rebutted. She knew that Jay wouldn't hurt her but her dream had been so incredibly realistic and she had been so terrified. "I was scared and I shouldn't have pushed you away like that."

"You are allowed to act however you need to feel. This is all very scary." Jay let his eyes lock with Erin's. He knew that the most important thing that he could do is keep supporting Erin and making sure that she understood that he was just there to support her. "I'm here for you. I'll always stand by your side. I can't imagine what last night must have felt like. Just know that I love you and I want to do whatever you need me to do."

"You are doing everything right. You are absolutely amazing in everything you've done. I don't know why you didn't walk away but I'm so glad you didn't. You are doing everything so amazingly right. I didn't know what to do last night. I shouldn't have pushed you away though." Erin pushed herself off of the couch, stepping over the blanket as it fell. She took a huge breath as she walked to Jay and in a moment, grabbed his face and pulled him towards her, kissing him. He responded instantly, kissing her back, keeping his hands down by his side so he didn't scare her. He had missed her incredibly silky smooth lips and the feeling of electricity he got when they kissed. She pulled back after a minute with a content smile on her face. Jay gazed in her eyes, not wanting to push her to do anything she didn't want to do. She took a small step backwards and laughed.

"You two are some of the strongest people that I have ever met." Brett broke in after a few minutes. She had tears in her eyes. Gabby looked over at her and rolled her eyes with a sappy smile on her own face. Her partner has the most incredible soft side and cried at even the tiniest bit of romantic display. Antonio clasped his hands together in happiness as he watched the scene in front of him. He knew that Erin was a badass but he was astounded by her strength time and time again.

"Why don't we let you guys have some time to talk it out." Antonio suggested after a few moments. Gabby and Brett gathered their things. They were all confident that the two would be okay alone now. They said goodbye and Erin and Jay thanked them all one more time before they headed out.

"You are incredible, you know that, right?" Jay smiled at Erin, still reeling from the kiss. He had missed kissing her so incredibly much but he hadn't realized just how much until she had kissed him. Kissing Erin made him feel like he was soaring on top of a cloud and there wasn't a care in the world. He had never known it was possible to feel as strongly about a woman as he did about Erin.

"You're incredible!" Erin responded with a silly smile. Jay felt his heart growing as he saw a little of the Erin from before the attack coming back. "I have a doctor's appointment today." She realized after they'd been standing in the entryway for a few minutes, just looking at each other.

"Let's get ready." Jay walked into the house, quickly grabbing his shaving kit to go back into the kitchen. He hadn't wanted to intrude on Erin so he had been taking care of his daily bathroom ritual in the kitchen lately. Erin pulled her hair up, applied light makeup and got dressed and by the time she came out, Jay was also ready. He snatched the car keys up and held the door open for Erin. They headed towards Chicago Med. Jay could see Erin's breathing increase as they got close. Chicago Med was definitely not on her top ten places to visit. He offered her his hand and she took it without a second of hesitation. Natalie greeted them and directed to a quiet room. The Emergency Department had been quiet this morning but no one dared say it out loud and jinx them for the remainder of their shift.

"How's everything going?" Natalie asked once Erin had gotten into a gown and was ready. Natalie hated that these exams were absolutely necessary as she knew that it was very uncomfortable and triggering for Erin.

"We had a rough night but I think we're in a much better place now." Erin answered honestly. She really did feel like she and Jay had hit a huge milestone and would continue to move forward.

"That's amazing to hear!" Natalie gave Erin a huge smile. "You ready?" She asked. She had her fingers crossed that this would be the last time. Last time there had been still some residual redness and tenderness that concerned her.

"Yea." Erin said quietly as she looked up at the ceiling, trying her best not to tense up as she felt Natalie begin her exam. She held her breath as Natalie began and was pleasantly shocked that it didn't hurt. It felt slightly irritating but Erin was able to relax a little bit as Natalie finished up. Natalie made sure to be thorough but did try to keep the exam as short as possible. "That doesn't hurt!" Erin exclaimed, almost not daring to believe it. Jay could have done a back flip right then and there from pure happiness as he looked at Erin's face. Normally her face was contorted with pain but it was fairly relaxed and full of shock.

"Oh Erin." Natalie smiled, almost crying tears of happiness. "Everything has healed much nicer than I thought it would. You won't need any cosmetic surgery. I can clear you for all activity, including driving," Natalie said with a wink to Erin, "and I will clear you to return to work but you'll still need Dr. Charles to approve you too. I'm so happy for you Erin." Erin nodded as the biggest grin broke out over her face as she looked towards Jay.

"Thank you so much Natalie." Jay gave Natalie a huge handshake. They were so lucky that Natalie had been there that day. She had definitely worked hard to fix the damage and made sure that Erin had the best possible recovery.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." Erin repeated as she sat up. She gave Natalie a handshake too. She wanted to hug her but she just wasn't quite there yet. Natalie got paged to an emergency case and slipped out of the room. Jay stepped out so that Erin could get dressed and spotted Will. He waved at him but could tell that Will was busy. Will finished his conversation and came over and gave his brother a quick hug and a hello before rushing off to assist another doctor that Jay didn't know. Jay was proud of how well that Will was doing here. He knew that his brother was brilliant but sometimes made bad calls. This move to Chicago had proved to be a good move.

"Ready?" Erin slid the door open behind Jay and came out of the room. She held her hands out expectantly with a smirk on her face as she looked at Jay.

"What do you want?" Jay teased her, knowing exactly the one thing that she wanted. He knew that his days of driving were over for a long time but he was fine with that. Erin just raised her eyebrows at him and he smiled, pulling the car keys out of his pocket and handing them to Erin. Erin's smile only grew as they walked towards the exit. She climbed into the driver seat and the car revved to life. Jay just looked at the woman he loved in awe as they roared out of the parking lot. He knew that there were still so many issues that Erin would need to work on but the clean bill of health was a huge obstacle that was now in the rear view mirror.

* * *

A/N: I have one more chapter to post! I hope everyone enjoyed the chapter.


	11. Moving Forward

A/N: Thank you guys so much for following this story with me. This was a very tough and emotional story for me to write but I am proud of how it came out. Here's the last chapter.

* * *

"Hey Jay?" Erin's voice was barely audible from where she was snuggled up in bed. They had been lying down for almost an hour but Jay knew that Erin wasn't asleep by her breathing pattern. He was staying awake in case she needed him.

"Yea baby?" Jay said in a concerned voice as he propped himself up on his elbows to be able to hear Erin better.

"I, I want you to sleep up here with me tonight." Jay strained his ears to make sure that he had heard Erin properly. His heart skipped a beat, afraid that she had said something else. He craved Erin and to be able to fully hold her in his arms again sounded like pure bliss.

"You want me to sleep in the bed with you?" Jay's voice was full of cautious optimism and awe at Erin's big step. He wondered if Erin picked up on the quiver of excitement in his voice.

"Yes." Erin clutched the blanket tighter to her chest. She had missed Jay being with her in bed and how secure she had always felt with him next to her. She wanted to have that comfort again and she was determined to try. Jay got to his feet and made his way over to his side of the bed.

"You sure?" Jay asked one more time as he paused with his hand reaching for the covers. He felt giddy inside, like a child being released in the candy store. Erin nodded as she inched back to make sure Jay had enough room. Jay slid in between the sheets, sighing with happiness. He flopped onto his back and folded his arms behind his back.

"Don't move, okay?" Erin asked meekly as she moved towards Jay slowly. Jay didn't dare to breathe as he waited for what Erin was going to do. She took a deep breath as she scooted a centimeter closer at a time until she was only a millimeter away from Jay. She swallowed hard and laid her hand on his chest before letting her head rest gently against his chest. Jay let out a sigh full of pure contentment.

"I'm so proud of you babe." Jay grinned in the darkness as he looked down proudly at Erin. She was so strong and resilient.

"Thanks." Erin felt a smile spreading over her own face. She heard Brett and Gabby's words echoing in her head that it would take time but it would return. "Can we just stay like this for a while?" She said as she moved her hand so it was on top of Jay's heart.

"Of course. We can stay like this as long as you like." Jay felt like he was on top of cloud nine as he laid there with Erin's head on his chest. It had been so long since they'd been able to cuddle like this. He hadn't even dared to let himself think about this happening again because he knew Erin needed time. He felt himself holding his breath again as Erin wiggled up closer before her face was next to Jay's. Jay very slowly turned his head. "Hi." He whispered as he gazed at Erin's beautiful face.

"Hi." Erin said back, biting her lower lip. She hesitated another moment before she kissed him. Her heart was beating so fast, she thought it might fly out of her chest. She leaned forward and kissed Jay. Jay kept his hands laced behind his head as he returned the kiss. "I, I don't want to go further." She pulled back after a second.

"We will take this as slowly as you need. There is no rush. There is no pressure. I love you. You are the love of my life and I have all the patience in the world. I love you." Jay said and he meant it from the bottom of his heart. He never wanted Erin to feel pressured to do something she wasn't ready to do.

"I love you so much. I don't know what I did to deserve you but I just love you. Thank you." Erin had normally had such bad luck when it came to men. She didn't know where Jay had come from but she planned on never letting him go. It was almost half an hour before Jay felt Erin finally release the tension in her shoulders and she was able to relax. Jay felt himself drifting off to sleep, his heart feeling full with Erin cuddled up next to him. Everything felt right in the universe with Erin tucked in by his side.

* * *

"Are you ready?" Jay asked Erin quietly as he held his hand out to help her out of the car. Today was Erin's first day back to work and she had been extremely quiet all morning. He had listened to her toss and turn through the night but she had insisted she wanted to come. She nodded as she noticed her hands were shaking. She reached out and took Jay's hand, shoving her other hand deep in her jean's pocket. She kept a tight grip on his hand as they walked in.

"Hey Erin." Voight smiled as he walked out of his office. He watched as Jay walked Erin to her desk and pulled out her chair for her before going to sit at his own desk. He wanted to rush up and envelope Erin in a hug but he knew better. "You just let me know what you need." He'd always felt like a father to Erin and seeing her hurt like this heart ache.

"Thanks." Erin gave Voight a tiny smile before turning to look at the stacks of paperwork that had built up on her desk. It had been twenty-four weeks and three days since the incident and she knew she had to get back into a routine eventually, but the anxiety had been overwhelming and kept her out of work. She'd been working hard with Dr. Charles to control her anxiety and panic but it was hard when the rational part of her brain knew that it was just an invalid fear response, but the irrational part of her brain said that she should just curl up in a ball and never go anywhere again. She took a shaky breath as buried her head down in the paperwork.

"Hey, do you want to get some lunch?" Burgess asked as she approached Erin's desk. She knew that this had to be a tough day for Erin and thought she might want to get out for a little bit. Platt had told her to take an extended lunch break once Burgess had told her what she was doing.

"Yea!" Erin looked at the time and was startled to see that it was almost noon. She'd been working for almost three hours. She felt a genuine smile creeping over her face as she realized that she was starting to overcome her fears. She hadn't run from the building or had a panic attack. "Is that okay?" She asked Voight. Voight had just walked out to grab a cup of coffee and had paused when he saw Burgess.

"Of course! Take your time." Voight was thrilled that Erin had a smile on her face. He had spent most of the morning watching her and making sure she was handling the day okay. He had tried to get her to agree to do a half day shift, but she had been dead set on being here for the full day. Erin nodded her gratitude and grabbed her coat. She gave Jay a wave before following Burgess down the stairs.

"How are you doing?" Voight asked Jay the second that Erin had left. He knew that Jay was handling the bulk of everything with Erin and knew that had to be mentally taxing. He'd offered his assistance, as had everyone else in the unit, but with the delicate nature of what had happened to Erin, she'd been struggling to get comfortable around the guys again. Olinsky, Ruzek, Atwater, and Antonio all got to their feet and gathered closer to Jay. They all cared about him and wanted to make sure he was doing okay.

"I'm good. Just tired. She still doesn't sleep, like, at all, ever." Jay shrugged his shoulders with a wry smile. He knew that there were dark bags under his eyes but he didn't care. He had woken up with every nightmare Erin had had in the past six months and stayed up with her through every sleepless night. Whatever Erin needed, he was going to make sure she had.

"Why don't you go take a nap?" Olinsky pointed towards one of the interview rooms. It might not be the most comfortable place for someone to sleep, but there were at least a couch for him to sleep on. Voight nodded his agreement while Ruzek, Antonio, and Atwater chimed in that they thought it was a good idea. Someone had to help take care of Jay or he'd end up in bad shape. Jay wanted to argue but the thought of catching up on some sleep was incredibly beckoning.

"Let me know if you need me." Jay was grateful for a team that was so supportive and he headed off to catch a little sleep. He tucked his jacket behind his head and got comfortable on the couch. He was asleep before he even blinked.

* * *

"Hey, man, I'm really sorry to wake you up, but we caught a case." Antonio gently knocked on the door, startling Jay out his sound sleep.

"'sokay." Jay's voice came out slurred as he rubbed his eyes and sat up. "What time is it? What's going on?" He got to his feet and followed Antonio out into the bullpen.

"It's almost five and it's a bad case. Maybe you should take Erin home first? I bet Gabby would stay with her." Antonio paused. There was a victim waiting at Med for them and from what they'd been told, it was going to be a heart wrenching case.

"Um, sure." Jay turned to look at Erin, who had caught the end of the conversation. Erin shook her head. She had already heard the details of the case and something in her heart was tugging her to push for staying.

"I'm going." She said, with fierceness to her voice that Jay hadn't heard since before her attack. This was the Erin Lindsay that didn't take no for an answer. She spun around to look at Voight. "I'm going." She pushed her shoulders back and stood up taller.

"Erin. This is too much, too soon." Voight kept his voice soothing. He took a step towards Erin. He was scared that Erin would regress. Erin had made so much progress in the past few months and the thought of it all being gone terrified him. He couldn't lose Erin. "I think you should just go home for the night. You did really well today."

"No." Erin almost growled. She mentally was shocked by her behavior. She didn't know why she felt so compelled to work this case but she just had to go. Voight sighed as he took in her expression and her body language. He had known Erin for a long time and he knew that when she got this determined, there was no stopping her.

"Okay." Voight conceded after a few minutes. He had huge doubts that she was anywhere near ready to work this case, but at least she would be under his close supervision. "You have to promise me one thing. If you feel panicked or overwhelmed, you walk away." Erin nodded. She already was half regretting her outburst but she couldn't explain the need she felt to work this case. Voight, Jay, Erin, and Antonio all headed towards their cars to head to the hospital.

* * *

"Hey Rachel, I'm Erin and this is Jay. Is it okay if we come in?" She and Jay stood in the doorway of their victim's room, waiting for her to answer. Rachel just nodded. She had tear streaks down her cheeks. Her right eye was swollen and a dark purple color. Her lip was busted and she had a cut on her hairline. Her wrists were bandaged and Erin felt a pang when she remembered that her own wrists had been bandaged like that. "We're detectives and we want to help find the person who did this to you." Rachel nodded again as she stared at her hands. "I know this is going to be hard, but I need you to tell me what happened."

"I, I was walking home. I had a calculus final and I was by myself. It was late." A lone tear ran out from her eye as she closed her eyes and started to relive the horrific night. "I, I just, he came out of nowhere. He grabbed me by my hair and held something over my mouth. I had to breathe and when I did, I got sleepy." She whimpered as Erin felt her heartbeat speed up. Erin could still remember the taste of the cloth and the drug that had knocked her out. "I woke up in a basement. He, he, he-" Rachel's voice drifted off as a sob ripped from her throat. "I, I was naked and he-" She let out a heart wrenching sob and pulled the blanket up over her eyes as if she could just hide from the memories. Erin felt every bit of warmth leave her body as she stepped closer to the bed. She knew exactly what word Rachel was having trouble saying. She knew exactly how hard it was to get that word past her own lips.

"It's okay, Rachel. You don't have to say it. It's okay." Erin wanted to touch Rachel's hands but she knew how she felt about being touched and didn't want to violate Rachel's fragile frame. One of the bandages on her wrist was turning a light pink and Erin made a mental note to tell the nurse on the way out. "Do you remember anything about him?" Rachel shook her head as she continued to cry. It was like the floodgates had been opened.

"I know, honey, I know." Erin said in a soothing voice as she sat down next to the bed. "It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay." She still remembered the agony of lying in that bed while the most sensitive parts of her body burned. She still remembered how scary and uncertain she felt. She still remembered how she felt to have the most sacred parts of her trust torn away from her.

"How do you know?" Rachel dropped the blanket with a look of anger on her face. Tears still were streaming down her face as she looked at Erin with hate in her eyes, "How can you possibly know how this feels? You just sit there and tell me that it's all going to be okay, but what right do you have?" Erin felt like all of the air had been sucked out of the room as Rachel's words hit her like Rachel had just punched her in the jaw.

"I was raped six months ago, Rachel." Erin felt like she was choking on acid every time the word rape came out of her mouth but she kept going as Rachel's jaw dropped and the anger fled from her face. "I know it's going to be okay because it is going to be okay. You're never going to be the same person that you were before you were attacked. Every security and trust you ever felt you had is gone right now but you will be okay. This is the worst part and the scariest. You will leave the hospital and start reclaiming your life. You are going to be stronger and braver and tougher than you ever thought. You will get your life back. You will be able to face anything. You're going to be okay." As she spoke the words, it felt like she wasn't just speaking those words to Rachel, but to herself. It felt like her heart was starting to learn how to beat again as she felt strength surge through her veins. She knew she was going to be okay.

 _Fin_


End file.
